Back home again. Party's over. Back to real life - went back to work today. Seemed worse than before. I mean, it was a good day, nothing bad happened, but I was just thinking alot. Quite a lot!
I'm kind of confused at the moment. Not so much confused I guess, but just not clear about a few things. Thinking about alot of different things - a number of possibilites and stuff. Like - is this my last year of TAFE or will I go on to do the Diploma next year? Will I move out this year like I was so sure I would late last year? Will I move away or stay in this town? Will I end up in Melbourne like I think I want to? And what are my intentions - why do I really want to move there and is it worth it? What exactly is happening and what should I be doing? Is 'this' all part of "The Plan" or is it the work of the enemy?

Gosh, sometimes I just want to turn my mind off - switch off from the everyday garbage that clogs it and just live each day for what it is. So cliche, I know...(live each day like it could be your last...) but is it possible?
I want to have direction and goals and stuff, but would it be sweeter to just take risks and live daringly, telling it like it is, not fearing the 'what if's" of life.
It seems like it would be more fun, more lively - more exciting and adventurous - the things I so crave, yet don't seem to reach for! Hmm...why is that?

Why haven't I skydived yet? Why haven't I jumped off the bridge? Why haven't I said anything? Why haven't I watched the other movies. Man, I'm sooo adventurous, I live in a frickin bubble!

And I'm so over it! From now on I'ma try harder to live a max life! To actually live life loud as I claim to on my myspace profile thingy!

And if you notice me retreating to the bubble wrap existance again, don't be afraid to pop it - let m know I'm boring and kick me up the butt every now and then.

Thanks buddy

Bella xx

Crazy in Kilda...

So... it's my last night in Melbourne. I sit here sifting through the photos I've taken over the last two weeks in two minds about the whole "going home" thing. I'm looking forward to getting back home and seeing the family (gosh it's nice to be able to miss them...) and sleeping in my big comfy bed again, get back to church and back into the swing of things and also get TAFE started properly. (I've missed two weeks by having this holiday...oops!) But I'm also really sad (and disappointed I guess) that I'm going home tomorrow. I love Melbourne so much. Not just the city and all it has to offer, but the people here.

My mates. My buddies.

Man, you guys are fantastic!! You are the reason Jess and I came back again this year, and you can be sure we'll be back again! It's been great to spend time with you all, chatting, laughing, sharing meals together. It's all been wonderful. I think yesterday would have been my favourite day here though, in terms of most enjoyable. Gosh, Travis and Ben are frickin hilarious!! I seriously had a sore gut from laughing so much you guys! And I swear my jaw was getting cramps too hey! You know you're having a good time when your jaw and belly ache from too much laughter. (Hmm, too much laughter...can there be such a thing...?) Anyway, as promised, here are some of the pics from yesterday.

Cheers to Trav and Ben for making it so much fun =D







At the entrance of Luna Park. We figured if we couldn't get in to go on a ride we atleast had to get a photo there!

















After we had enjoyed varying flavoured smoothies/juices from a sushi/juice bar on Acland Street, St Kilda.
Jess had a "funky monkey" flavoured smoothie - (tofu ice cream, soy milk, bananas etc) - I tried it and thought it was revolting!! But Jess loved it, which is all that matters since she paid for it =P
The guys had sushi and smoothies, while I stuck to a good old "tropical tango" freshly squeezed juice.

(man, this photo cracks me up!! I'm not as short as this pic suggests, I'm sure of it! haha)





Jess and I on the Jetty at St Kilda. It was a beautiful day. Warm in the sun with a cool sea breeze blowing - perfect!

















And the two that made it all so much more enjoyable...
Ben and Travis.
Cheers, guys. Can't wait til next time =)



So, there you go. Some piccies from a great day in St Kilda with two of the funniest guys I know.

Til next time, have fun and drink slurpees...

Bel xx

Jess and Belle...

The crazy-ass I've spent the last 10 days in Melbourne with. It's been good. Been interesting. We've had our moments, but for the most part we've had a blast!! So much fun, so crazy, oftentimes, quite stupid. haha

Here's to the last few days Jessie...let's go nuts!

Can't wait for tomorrow...ice cream in St Kilda with Trav then Lion King in the evening. Gonna be rad.

Write more later...need sleep!

Bella xx

what can I do...

I was just sitting here trying to find something to do to pass time. Been reading blogs, talking, listening to my new cd's... and then I feel this emptiness...or not so much emptiness, but a desire to be doing something that I can't actually DO right now. Not this very moment, not even in the near future, but it is so so strong within me.

As I was sitting here, I felt that gentle reminder from God to actually get things rolling, seek more information, do something.

You see, I have this huge, unexplainable desire to care for children. It's a natural instinct within me that a lot of my friends just don't get. Which is totally natural - many 21 year olds would rather be partying, dating, having fun than thinking about settling down and having children. Many of my friends are either studying or working, or both and have no time for themselves even, let alone a partner or children.
I'm often talking about how much I'd love to be a mum, which often stirs interesting 'conversation' and attempted 'convincing' by my friends that I don't. But I'm realising more and more that it's not necasarrily a desire to have my own children right now (for one...it's just not possible right now without a guy =p), but rather, it's a calling to serve children.

I am absolutely convinced that I am meant to care for the children of this world who have been abandoned, taken for granted, mistreated, and sadly - unloved.
I can not shake the image I have of holding a young infant in my arms and giving them what they have been starved of. Affection, love, care. Touch. I'm entirely convinced that God has this amazing plan for me that will see me doing just that. And that excites me, it strikes me in the deepest part of who I am, because I know it's getting closer. Everything makes sense now.
I've had this desire for so so long, and now I understand what it is. It's a God-thing.

I was always the one helping my mum feed my younger brothers, bath them, change their nappies. Nothing made me happier than to hold a little life within my arms and watch their little eyes sparkle.
To have a child hold your finger as they fall asleep within your arms is a feeling I can not put into words. It's incredible.

Oh how I long for that. I can't explain what I'm feeling. I just want to be holding a child right now. To whisper into their little lives the love of Jesus and the wonder of this world He made for us. To tell how precious, how loved they truly are and the limitless possibilities that exist for them. Would they hear. Would they know. I believe Jesus would let them.

I have this image of a little room full of babies, being sung over with lullabys of a Jesus who loves them. Being held in arms that whisper safety and love. A room with little children engrossed in stories of warriors and princesses, stories of them and who they can be. Rooms and rooms of children being given the opportunities they so rightfully deserve. The very basics of life - education, food and water, clothing, shelter, the everyday things of being a child - toys, games, dress-ups, a chance to develop an identity and have it nurtured. The things I so often take for granted.

I need to be doing more to see this happen. It's a vision I've been given for a reason far beyond myself and the desires within me. I believe that I have a responsibilty to see justice brought to the lives of these children. To give them what our world is robbing them of. To stand under a shadow of Heaven and say this is not good enough. Our children deserve more. They need more, and we will give it to them.
To stand before my Father and say "here I am Lord, use me".

I need to pray about this and talk to leaders within my church. I need to find out what needs to be done to get this happening.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thankyou Father God for reminding me of my calling. For strengthening the vision, for preparing my heart. Thankyou for providing people I can talk to about this. May I please be used to seeYour children be cared for with the kind of love only You can give. Thankyou for letting me be Your child, despite all I do to disappoint You, Father. Thankyou for Your plans and provision. May You always be my light, my guide, my everything.
Through Jesus name I pray. Amen

Still in Melbourne.
Had another lazy day today.
Went to bed at some crazy hour like 3/3:30am. Woke to the alarm at 11:00am and lay there for a while. Quite a while I think. Jess and I decided that since our Metcards had expired and we didn't really have any plans today we'd just have a quiet one at home.
So I showered, lay on my bed, watched telly, thought about reading a book..and eventually slept the afternoon away. Actually, I didn't wake until about 6:00-ish. Felt horriblly lazy and pathetic, but soon got over it when Jess and I had a mock-wrestle. Though, it got kinda serious, still playful, but we were out to bring one another down!! Jess was kicking me in the chest (yes...OUCH!!) as I was grabbing her legs and trying to get her feet - I know she hates that!! We ended up in a heap on the floor, in hysterics and heavy breathing =p
Man, I love Jess. We always seem to get up to crazy antics when we're together - so much fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news, I've been thinking a bit about this little blog of mine. I was looking back on some of my older entries after a friend of mine commented how open I am. After I re-read one of my most honest entries (the one my mate was referring to) I freaked out that people could take it in a completely different way to what I was actually meaning.
The thing is, when I write, I obviously know the full picture kinda thing and so I don't feel the need to include every bit of background to what brings me to a certain point, a certain feeling etc. But without that, when somebody else reads my journal, they could interpret things totally the wrong way.
It got me thinking - what do people think of me, based on my blog? Is it enough to base an opinion on someone. Sure, I'm honest and open about where I'm at at particular times, but I don't blog absolutely everything. For one, I don't have the time, and two, who cares about the everyday mediocrity that is my life at times. I don't want to read it, I don't need to remember it, so why blog it.

Hmm, just thinking.
I'm not worried about what people may think based solely on this journal, but last night did stir a few things within me.
Thanks Trav...it was good to be able to do that.

After all, this is the reflections of my journey, so last night I actually did that for the first time in quite a while. And it was good.

I just love it when conversing with another can lead you within yourself and you realise more and more of who you were, where you've been and who you're becoming.

It's almost magical to be so intouch with yourself and at a new place of realisation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look forward to spending more time with my Melburnian mates this week, but dread having to go back and not see them again for another year. Though, this past week has made me realise how treasured my home friends are... and I want to do more to show that to them.

Anyway, enough from me, this is getting long.

Night, love Bella xx

*blerghh...*

Feeling a bit odd today. Got up a little while after the alarm went off and just felt really seedy. Jess and I didn't have any plans for today anyway, so it was no drama to have a lazy day at home instead of trekkin it to the city again. I seriously didn't feel like being on a train when I felt like I could hurl at any given moment!

As the day has gone on though, my stomach has settled, I feel fine (physically), but still really odd. I don't know what's up. I'm not upset, not angry, not even happy, I just feel strange. Not myself.

One thing I am though, is frustrated. I have a billion and one things going through my head, nothing resolved, nothing rested, everything just bugging me.
Been thinking about my future, my desires...and getting frustrated that it seems so far from now. I know what I want, but I just don't know when it's going to happen. Some things I desire are a fair time away, I need to learn more, grow more etc before particular things will be able to happen, but lately I fail to see any steps towards that direction.
In other ways, things are going great, I can definately see progress in other areas of my life and I am thankful for that, but still frustrated at other things that seem to be quite stagnant at present.

Hmm. I realise I may not have made much sense just now, but it's helping me clear my head. I feel a lot better by getting that out, as incoherent as it all may be, because I have more room in my head now. And I'm thinking I'll use it to read a book.

*sigh* thanks bloggy.

bit of a laugh...

I decide to dictionary.com myself tonight and this is what happened...

~~~~~~~~~~
1 entry found for belinda.
Be·lin·da ( P ) Pronunciation Key (b-lnd)n.
The satellite of Uranus that is ninth in distance from the planet.
~~~~~~~~~~

I never knew that!! How fascinating. How hilarious. I share my name with a satellite...it could have been the satellite of some other planet though, not Uranus =P

Hmm, yes well. I'm off to watch a dvd. Goodnight all (or morning actually...)

Bella xx
[2 sleeps to go]

3 sleeps to go...

Yep. Only 3 sleep until I jump on a plane and spend two weeks in the glorious city of Melbourne =D
I can't wait. I have a feeling this trip will be even better than the last one. I'm really looking forward to spending a day at Luna Park. I'm pretty weak when it comes to rollercoasters and the like, so I've vowed to be adventurous this time and dare to go on most of the rides. hehe
Not keen on the pirate/boat thing that does a full on 360 though!! No thanks!
Besides a day of potentially throwing up I'm hoping to do a bit of shopping at the old markets and a few stores aswell. I love the shopping in Melbourne - it's insane. So much choice!
More than shopping and adrenaline junkie stuff though is the chance to catch up with some mates and just have fun. Develop relationships in a real setting, not cyberworld. Should be interesting. Or something. =P

I am quite anxious about having two weeks off TAFE however. It didn't bother me until tonight when I got handed all the assessment schedule and realised I'll be missing a significant chunk of classwork in relation to these assessments. Nevermind, I don't want that to be a dampener. I'll just have to work smarter when I get back. Procastination will not exist in my vocabulary this year.

I was late for TAFE tonight. Was at church for a Youth Team meeting, which ended up being a time a worship and prayer. It was lovely. Mark really touched me this afternoon when he read a verse from the Bible as a prophecy over the year. It was amazing. I'll have to get the verse off him so I can remember it. It was about how the Holy Spirit will be with me each and every day because I have been called to give witness to all around me. To bring sight to the blind and lift people out of oppression. I can't remember the exact words, but it was really touching at this time and I want to remember the message of it now and always.
Man, I'm so so grateful to have such amazing and encouraging people around me. Our Youth Team continue to inspire me. They're fantastic. And I think it's because God has placed a calling on each of them to be doing this and we're relying on Him for our everything.

I got frustrated this evening at TAFE as I was leaving. My teacher wanted to speak to me about the first part of class I missed and questioned whether it was because of work that I was late and if it were going to be a continual thing. I explained how I was at church and lost track of time, hence arriving late and her response was "well can you make TAFE your priority and not church. Go to church another day, just not TAFE days".
She wasn't nasty about it but just emphasised that this year is much more demanding than last and reminded me that my final weeks last year weren't my best in terms of dedication and she doesn't want me to start this year on that foot. I don't want that for myself either, but I'm not willing to give up church committments for a year so I can excel at TAFE.
Because, when it comes down to it, my church life is more important than anything else. I am my happiest when I am at church and around fellow believers, worshipping, praying and serving. I'm not willing to sacrifice a moment of that for a TAFE lecture.
Perhaps that's silly. Maybe I need to re-evaluate and work out a better way of spreading my time between all my committments, because at the moment, between work, church and TAFE I'm not going to have a whole lot left over to study and I will seriously need to this year.

I wonder what I'll be doing this time next year...

hmm....that will be my motivation for this year - it all enables me to do what I really want to do full-time - Youth Ministry. Without this course I won't be able to follow on to bigger, greener pastures (or valleys of bones, for that matter =P)

Well, here's hoping my ill-timed holiday will see me refreshed and ready to take up the challenge that will be my 2006.

Bella xx

anticipating what will be...

I love this kind of weather. Cloudy, gentle breeze, cool air. It's my fave season. To be all snuggled up in a big jumper, tracky dacks and nice thick socks. My ultimate comfort.
I so can't wait for it to get cold enough to light the fire. Man I love our fire place.
I love lying infront of it reading a good book, listening to music, or just dreaming away my evenings staring at the patterns in the flames.

I always seem to have a spirit of romance during the colder months. It's as if something within me that has been laying dormant in Summer, suddenly awakens and allows me to enjoy life even more. I seem to notice the beauty of our world more than usual, it's like everything has a hightened sense of being. The once mundane, becomes something extraordinary.

Today has excited me. I lok forward to the Winter nights where the fog is so thick it makes the street lights look like dandelions. Beautiful.

*sigh* I love it

a thankful heart...

What a wonderful night. How thankful I am for these moments.

Tonight saw the return of our youth service "Something @ Seven" after a much appreciated break during the holiday period. The kids seemed like they had missed it and were hungry for the new year. Such a good thing to see.
Our band has been abundantly blessed it seems. Much prayer has gone into asking God to bring forth musicians who feel led to serve on team, and it seems our prayers have been well and truly answered. Tonight we were worshipping with three new team members, Daniel, Jake and Dean. (Dean being one of the brothers I wrote about in a previous post)
The sound that our band produced tonight took our worship to another level. I know it's not all about the music, but tonight was wonderful. I know God has things under control because we have been so blessed by having these three fine young gentlemen offer their giftings as a worship to our King.

It seems my personal prayer for friendships with guys is also being answered quite promptly. It has only been a few days that I have asked God for more opportunities to share friendships with Christian guys, and just tonight that prayer has begun to be answered. I was able to have a qick chat to Dean and just thanked him for being on team and making the band sound so awesome, which was nice. But the best part was, as he was leaving with his family I gave Erin a hug (his sister) and their mum Pam, and joked "oh do you want a hug too Dean, I don't want you to feel left out" and what was really cool was that he actually did give me a hug. How awsome is God. He knows my heart and He knows that I'm a very huggy person, and He has let me share that with Dean already =D
That's something I really treasure. Thanks Dad =D

It just feels so lovely to know that this is all just the start of something wonderful. I really look forward to building a friendship with Dean and spending more time with the whole family - they truly are the kinds of people that make you so happy, just to know them and to be able to hang out and learn from them is an incredible gift from God. Seriously. Their lives inspire me.

I recall writing in a previous entry that I feel that God has led this family into my life for a reason beyond what I can fathom...something big. And I truly do believe that. Pam is so so wonderful. Man, she's so gorgeous she just radiates Christ so much it burns my eyes! Erin is just as lovely. The kindest heart, and the most gentle, caring young lady. Awesome friend. Dennis (the Dad) is unreal. I've met him just once, but found him so friendly, so easy to talk to, so loving and kind that he blew me away aswell. And he's ajoker too - lovin that. Ben is no exception either. I still recall his smile from Year 7 of High School. Man, his eyes were always so sparkly, always happy and smiley. He's one crazy guy too it seems! He did for his 21st what I once said I wanted to do for mine - jump out of a plane! hehe.

I'm so excited at what my future holds in terms of getting to know this family more. They already enrich my life so much more than I could ever try to communicate. Some things are best explained with a *sigh* and a smile.

Thanks Dad - you're a bit of alright, you know that ;-)