Shall I cry, or shall I scream? What the frig is going on...

Not sure where to start.

Don't know what I'm feeling. Don't know what I should do.

Just going through one of those periods of change again.

I don't know when it started or why, but I've slipped away from God again.
And I know I should go back...I should drag myself to Christ's feet again and ask once again to be forgiven. I know He will forgive me, I know He wants me back, but I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm going through changes again, my head pounds with confusion, frustration, torment.
I've distanced myself from church and my church family. I don't engage in faith-related conversations with my extended christian family anymore. I don't feel worthy of knowing God. I don't want Christ to be watching over me right now. (not in regards to being protected, but in terms of me being so disappointing to him) It all feels so scummy, so hurtful, uhhh I dunno. SO frustrating.
Right now I feel as if I need to cry, to just let it out. I'm sick of shutting off to people and not dealing with my issues, but at the same time I don't want to open myself up and admit my lack of passion for Christ, despite everything He's done for me.
I know there's people whom I can trust completely to share my struggles with. People whom I respect greatly, admire so much. People whom I love as my family. My mates. My brothers and sisters.
Man, just thinking of those few people in my life makes me realise how incredibly blessed I am to even have that. What I would give to have one of them here right now to hold me and let me know it's okay.

So why then am I doing everything I can to avoid church, avoid discussions about faith, avoid Christ? Why would I do that when I know damn well that I've been saved. I know what Christ did for me. I know that I'm here, writing this only because He let me have another shot at life. I hate that I suck so bad.
If it were someone in my home town, my own family even who saved me, would I be turning away from them? Would I say to their face, "I just don't know what I feel about you right now, I need some time away from you. Yeah, sure..you saved my life and let me have another crack at it, but right now I just don't want to know you." Would I mess up as much as I am now, if it were someone I knew who did all that for me?

~~~~~~~

I'm going through a period of growth. I know that much. But am I going backwards because of it?
I believe that all growth/personal development is good for me. I'll learn more about who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, what I like/dislike, what direction I want to take in life. But is it stupid of me to be doing all this away from God? I have the knowledge, and I once thought I had the heart of Christ, but it seems not. If I had the Holy Spirit living in me, surely I wouldn't be so attracted to explore other belief structures, other ways of life.

I know God gives us the freedom of will, I can choose to do whatever I please with my life. I don't have to be a christian at all. I can be anything. No one can force me to believe anything. No one can tell me what I believe is wrong. Well, they can, but I don't have to believe them. No one can make me understand God and His plans. Sure, many people can help me understand it if I want to, but no one can force it upon me.

Given this freedom of choice is quite daunting to me.
I believe that God IS the creator of the universe. The creator of me.
I believe His son Jesus DID die because of my sins, and for that I'm forgiven.
I believe that when I die I will face my creator and I will be granted an eternal life of which I'll either live in Heaven or Hell. I know damn straight that I want to go to Heaven.

So why then am I messing up this life that He's blessed me with, just because I can. I don't want to be a screw up, I don't want to disappoint the one who created me for a purpose. I know there's something in this world that only I am meant to achieve. He sent me for a reason. He knows what He wants me to do, He knows what I'm capable of, He has a plan for me.
I know all this.
But I just keep turning away from it. And I don't even know why. THAT is what's frustrating me, confusing me, really pissing me off. I hate that I'm so messed up right now that I can't even see how much God is continuing to bless me, even though I keep turning away. Why would He bother, when anyone else would just give up and cast me off. Forget about me.
Why does my dad love me so much that no matter what I do, no matter how much I hurt him, no matter how much I tarnish His name, no matter how scummy I am, no matter how much I disappoint Him, no matter how much I screw up another day, no matter how many times I turn away, He's always standing there with outstretched arms, whispering "come on kiddo...come over here and I'll give you a hug"

I guess I'll never know in this lifetime just why God is like that. I wonder if I'm even meant to. I guess that's not even the issue here. I know it's not God turning away. It's me. He's always going to be there. I just need to let Him back into my life.

But how long will I wait? How much more will I screw up before I drag my sorry ass back to His feet and cry again?