ministering through blogs...

This next post was originally written on a piece of paper at around 1:20am, this morning as I was sitting in my bed reflecting on a lesson I had just learnt.
I share it with you now as an expression of thanksgiving that the Holy Spirit can use all kinds of medium to minister to His children...even a humble blog.
~~~~~~~~~
I've just turned off my computer, after sitting there for hours, wasting time, feeling flat, bored, uninspired and crap. That is, until I read those last words before retiring for the night.
The last thing I read before bed was the blog of one of my close mates, the dude whom I fondly call my big brother =).
His words seemed to speak to me as if they were written just so I'd read them. I know this isn't the case, but it's crazy how such a personal reflection for him could also apply to me so much aswell.
All I can say is, the Holy Spirit has worked through him before and this probably won't be the last time either.

Anyway, his words were just the beginning.
I was musing over the message I had read as I was walking up the hall to our bathroom, when I noticed the fire wasn't as bright as it was earlier on in the evening. Not wanting it to burn out, I opened the door of the fireplace and let the air regenerate the embers.
No sooner had I done this, the embers were ablaze once more. Not only that, but they had become more than what they were before. Hotter. So much hotter. And the flames were now reaching higher.
Then I noticed the most beautiful thing. In a moment this fire had gone from barely being warm to being so hot it was burning my face. The once barely-there flames were now glowing a magnificent electric blue. The colour was just unbelievable. I was SO captivated by it and as hot as my face was getting, I just couldn't turn away. It was too beautiful to look away, even for a moment.

Then it dawned on me.

With the words of burkies blog still foremost in my mind, and still fixated on the fire, I thought to myself... "this is me". I am this fire. I have let myself become all but a cinder, only just staying warm and barely aglow in the blistering cold.
I finally saw the need for me to take action, or else I'd burn out completely.
Not only do I need to be placed back among the pile of 'hot bits'... but what I really need to thrive is to open my door and let the air come in.
I need to open myself, my heart, my mind, my very being - my spirit - and allow God to breathe on me once more. Allow His Spirit to connect with the piece of Himself He placed within me. Only He can sustain and strengthen my fire.

I'm no longer content with being a luke-warm cinder Christain.
I don't even want to be on fire...red-hot.
What I desire is to be the blue flame! So intense. So intriguing. So beautiful.

The one that burns so strong and radiates so much light and really draws the eye.
I want people to feel the warmth of Christ in me. I want people to see Him shine so intensely through me. And most of all, I want people to be drawn to Jesus through me.

Without Christ I was a lump of coal.
With Him, I'm an ember.
But if I allow myself to be more open to Christ and let Him breathe on me...I'm gonna be one hot chick!! ;-)

--------
I've often heard expressions of being "on fire" for God and I recall singing a song at Church that states "we are the message of hope, we are His flame".....
now it's beginning to make sense.

*Thankyou Jesus, for working in the lives of others, to grow them and allow them to minister to others through their growth. Thankyou for giving them hungry hearts and a spirit of servanthood, so that they may want to share their lessons with others and in doing so, help us to change.
Thankyou for your patience and continual blessings. I love You Jesus xx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there you go. That's what I wrote at 1 o'clock this morning and share with you now at almost midnight... I hope I've passed on the blessing by allowing you to be a part of my lesson too. God bless,
Bella x

my realisation for today...

So...my life is about to get a heck of a lot busier than what it is already.
Although I'm fully excited about the changes that are happening lately, and the opportunities that are coming my way, the fact still remains that what lies ahead scares me quite a bit.

Right now I feel like I don't have enough time as it is, and there's about to be a whole lot of other things to do very soon. Quite a few committments to adhere to, all of which require my time and effort... two resources I seem to be lacking of late.

Though, when I really think about it... it's not a matter of my life being too busy or me having too many things to do...atleast not yet, it's more a matter of my time management being shot to pieces, to the point where it barely exists. I'm constantly leaving things to the last minute. It's how I've spent the last few years....waiting until the last minute to do things. Procrastinate is my middle name!

It really shits me actually, that I know this about myself, and it frustrates me something chronic, yet I still haven't done anything to change my ways.

But I'm hoping all this will turn around.
I need to do some serious prioritising if I'm going to take on more than what I'm doing already...[which, now that I think of it...is pretty much jack all].
If I can't learn to make deadlines and stick to them and get the boring but most-needed work done before "play time" then, I've got a pretty scary road ahead.
There's no way I'm going to cope with all the "added stuff" on top of life as I know it now unless I really get the rest of it sorted out.

Hmmph... but it seems to require so much effort and right now I'm lacking motivation SO bad!

As much as I really want to say "it's all good...I'll start tomorrow" I know it won't work.
I actually need to get off my ass now and get things rolling.

But can't someone just drag me......

The Vision...

I was just cleaning out my computer, deleting old, no longer needed files, when I came across this...
This piece of writing came from the blog of a fellow gusher and I first read it many moons ago =p....around a year ago I'd say. I had forgotten I had saved it and now as I read it again, it stirred that passion inside of me...the part of me that isn't afraid to step and say "YES!! I believe in Jesus!!" The fire inside me seems a little brighter now, after such powerful words have been spoken to my soul.
It just puts into a little more perspective the fact that this life I live is not the be all and end all...it's simply a time where I can either choose to be a representative of Christ, or not.
Given my past, when I didn't know Jesus, and the life I'm living now, I know for damn sure I'll be sticking to the J-Man's team....
...read on and enjoy. I hope you find it as encouraging as I did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


THE VISION
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this… The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons. They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn't even notice. They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause. A million times a day its soldiers
choose to loose that they might one day win the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them? Can hormones hold them back? Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays
like a dying man with groans beyond talking, with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming? Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know?
Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself.
And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

what's the go?

Why is it that my mood can change almost instantly, from being insanely happy to friggin annoyed?
One minute I feel like being around all my mates, just enjoying their company... laughing, hugging, telling stories, reminiscing...just sharing life with the ones I love.
Yet, now I find myself sitting here close to tears, not wanting to be around anyone.
Infact, at this very moment I should be at TAFE, but I just couldn't bring myself to go tonight. I didn't feel like being around anyone, having to put on the "everything is okay" face.

But the thing is....I am okay. I have no reason to be anything other than absolutely fine. I should be bubbling over with pure joy. My life is incredibly blessed right now, I have been given so many opportunities to work towards my goal in life. It's incredible what God can do when you ask for His intervention.

So why then, do I feel like hiding under the covers and sleeping through it all?

All I can say is....it's been roughly 28 days since I last felt like this, so maybe that's got something to do with it.

Though, I do find that quite humourous. The one thing that reminds me of the joy I'll have in one day having a child grow inside of me, is now messing with my brain...or wherever hormones and their emotional influence come from.

So for now I'll just carry on, with that catchy tune of Ronan Keating singing in my head "life is a rollercoaster...just gotta ride it!"

[and a rollercoaster it is indeed...this post started off with me ready to cry at any moment, and now I'm giggling to myself!?! Can anyone say 'lunatic'? =p]

It's on...

listening to a crazy-cool song right now.....lovin it!!
great sound, even better message in the lyrics...too good to keep to myself, so I'm posting it here for you =D

It's On - Superchic[k]

It all comes down to this
You take your best shot, might miss
You take it anyway
You're gonna make your move today

Got the will
You'll find the way
To change the world some day
Grab this moment before it's gone

Today's your day
It's on and on
It's on and on
It's on and on
Today's your day
So come on...
BRING IT ON [x2]

And the view will never change
Unless you decide to change it
Don't feel like it today
Just show up anyway

And though life will take you down
It only matters if you let it
Get up, go through, press on

Today's your day
It's on and on
It's on and on
It's on and on
Today's your day
so come on..
BRING IT ON [x2]

And though you wanna quit
Don't think you can get through it
You've come too far to walk away
It's not gonna be today

And no matter how you feel
It's what you do that matters
This is your moment to be strong
Today's your day.....

what nearly slipped away.....

Just recently I've been doing some thinking over a particular friendship I came so close to losing. It's still a little hard to comprehend how I was so willing to just walk away from a relationship with this person. It's hard to fathom what life would be like without her by my side.
It still hurts to think that after many years of building the friendship to where it was, with just a bit of tension between us, [brought about from my own insecurities, which I "dealt with" by lashing out at the one closest to me], I was more than ready to just turn and walk away and not bother to look back.
That option seemed to be easier than actually admitting my wrong-doings and my resposibilty for letting us get that way.
It was easier to just let go and forget about it, rather than having to deal with all the crap and work through all the bitterness.
Just recently I was reading her blog about this matter...she too was at the point where it was easier to just turn and walk away, and not have to get hit with blow after blow from me. It hurts to think that, even though I knew my words and actions were hurting her, I had become so cold and bittter that I just didn't care anymore. I guess I saw it as, if I'm hurting then why should she be happy. She's supposed to be my friend, she shouldn't be happy when I'm clearly not. I know this 'rationale' is absolute crap, but that's just how my mind was working at the time.
I once heard a person say "hurting people hurt people"... and although that doesn't give anyone the right to go ahead and make others lives difficult, it does make sense.

To the person involved in this, it may seem strange that I'm bringing this up after we have reconciled, but I guess I just haven't felt a peace about it. I know I'm forgiven by you, but I still feel so terrible for hurting you so deeply. It feels like we haven't really worked through the pain that was caused...it feels like it was just swept under the rug and grins were plastered on our faces. To you it may seem quite different, I don't know. I guess I'm just writing this out of a need to find closure. When I recently read your earlier blogs on this matter, I began crying because it finally hit me...the reality was starting to sink in. And let me tell you, it's not a pleasant feeling to know that you've really hurt someone. Even worse when it's someone you love so dearly.
To think that what we had was so close to being lost still brings me pain. It's almost like I'm grieving over a death...a death that didn't even come to pass. The death of our relationship.

And, while I don't doubt that we will grow through this and be stronger, closer and more aware of each other than ever before, I just wanted to apologise with all that is within me, for making you cop all the crap that was going on in my life at the time. It shouldn't have been you that was blamed for my insecurities and what not. I know I can never take it all back, but believe me I would if it were possible.

To my closest friend, confident, mosh partner, late night d'n'm buddy, movie mate, dinner date, wrestling opponent, prayer warrior,
and sister.... always know that I love you.
I won't ever have the words within me to let you know just how much you mean to me. Nothing I could ever do will ever be enough to show how much I care. I can never re-pay you for your patience, your prayers and your love....but all the same I want to tell you this -

It wasn't because of you that my eyes stopped sparkling. It wasn't your fault that my smile faded. You weren't the one that tormented my soul with the lies and terrorised my mind. You couldn't stop me from falling, yet you offered your wings and held out your hand. You opened your heart to mine and allowed the hurt to overflow into you. You said you love me more than I'll ever know and you were true to your word. I want to always slide along the rainbows with you and dance among the stars. I want to always be thankful for your faithfulness, your patience, your friendship and your love.

You gave me that poem a long time ago Jess and it's only now that I realise how much it means and I give it back to you...the wording is a little different, because it's returning back to the author...I hope it means as much to you as it did to me when I received it.

the power of scent

Right now I'm sitting in the study, which is currently occupied by a freaky-ass smell. It's almost like something has died in here, and all that's left is the smell of decomposing flesh! It's most likely a lizard, since we seem to have so many of them coming into the house at any given moment.
Anyway, I became oblivious to the scent after sitting in here for quite some time, and it wasn't until I left the room for a bit and returned, that I noticed just how strong and revolting the smell actually is. But I really can't be bothered to search for the source of the stench right now, so I'll just continue to muse over the idea that scent has quite a bit of power over us......

Just the other week I returned home from a weekend away to find the place I call home, filled with an unfamiliar fragrance. It wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't comforting either. It just wasn't what I remembered my home to smell like. The thing is though, when I'm here, I don't even notice that my house has it's own smell.

Anyway, it turns out that while I was away my parents were given a roll of carpet by a friend who no longer needed it, and they put it to good use, laying it in the new extension they've just added to the house. That's where the unfamiliar scent was coming from, and it's no wonder I noticed it as soon as I walked in the door...I was standing on it!!

It's pretty crazy to think that simple little things like the scent of a room can make such a difference to how I'm feeling. Ultimately, to me it can mean the difference between comfort or not.
Not only rooms, but people aswell.... one of my closest friends, has the signature scent of Vanilla. Jess absolutely adores that smell, and will fall in love with just about anything resembling the fragrance.
Unfortunately, I don't get to see Jessie as much as I would like to, as she's studying at a University 4 hours away, so I rarely get to be in the presence of such a gorgeous aroma.

But, as chance would have it, a co-worker of mine also fancies the scent of vanilla, so I get to sample this lush-ness more often now, and that can only be a good thing.
Pretty funny though, because now when I think of vanilla, or smell it on someone other than these two friends, I always think of them and smile. Vanilla reminds me of hugs, laughter, love and....kitchens!

Aromas have the power to instantly rekindle the memory that the person associates with the smell.

Gardenia's remind me of my mum, no matter where I am or whose garden they're growing in.

Lynx deodarants conjure up the image of my younger brother growing up so fast and pleading with mum that he desparately needs the new range of Lynx sprays!

Johnson & Johnson baby wash always brings a grin to my face....so many memories associated to that one precious scent.

Lavender oil is the scent of my pillow, my linen, my pyjamas, pretty much my entire room. It's so peaceful. I swear it's like floating on a soft fluffy cloud when I smell lavender.

Rain falling on a hot road is one the scents I enjoy most....nothing else like it, nothing come close. It's so unique and only lasts that short while which makes it so special.

I could go on for quite a while, but I think I'll finish with one of my favourite poems by one of the most beautiful boys our world was ever blessed with....Mattie Stepanek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel Wings

This morning,
I smelled something very good.
Perhaps,
It was a rainbow.
Or maybe,
It was a dinasour smile.
Or even,
A seashell.
I am not sure
What I smelled.
And I am not sure
What rainbows
Or dinasour smiles
Or seashells
Smell like.
But I'm sure they smell wonderful.
Wonderful and special
Like the smell of
Angel-Wings.
But also,
I'm sure they smell
A little sad,
Because we can't really smell
A rainbow,
Or a dinasour smile,
Or a seashell,
Or especially,
We can't really smell
The wonderful smell
Of Angel-Wings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[I'm pretty sure Mattie can smell those angel wings now, for he has returned home to His Heavenly Father]

I'm not a writer, I'm just me

So, those who view this little space in cyber world will have noticed that at present I only have two posts...well I guess this'll make it three when I hit the orange button!
Anyway, the original idea behind me starting my own blog was to express myself in a way I don't usually utilise. My plan was to post a little something everyday, a reflection on the events of my day, my daily journey...
though, when I realised I had an audience, waiting in anticipation for another post from me [funny that, I didn't quite catch on to the idea of this little place of thinking for me being accessable to pretty much anyone=p] a whole miriad of emotions swept over me.
I felt scared, that I would be judged for what I wrote, I felt unworthy of being read, I felt insignificant to be writing about myself and the going's on of 'my world' but most of all, I felt so anxious about what people would be expecting from me.
I've read other people's blogs, and man...there's some deep thinking and big words in there!! I began to think that that was what's expected of a blog. Big words and thought provoking messages, challenges even. And that really shook me because I don't think that's who I am.
I'm not dumb my any means, but I'm not the most intelligent person I know either.
I don't know the meaning of some of those big fancy schmancy words, and I don't know how to illustrate with a vocabulary. When I write, I don't know all those flowery words to use to really set the scene, or 'pretty up' my blog. That's just not inside of me. Not a part of who I am.
So, the thought I had of people expecting that from me was quite terrifying and it's for that reason that I haven't been posting as much as what would like.
But, I've come to the realisation that, fearing what I assume other people expect from me is quite ridiculous. I have no basis for my presumptions, only my own fears. It's about time I stopped being that scared little girl cringing in the corner, waiting for the ridicule to come.
So, I'll make more of an effort to just write....reflect on my journey, that's what this is all about.
I'm recording these experiences more for myself than anyone else, so if this humble blog is viewed by other people out there, that's just an added facet to what it is, but I'll try my best to not allow it to be the reason I write. Because if it becomes that, this journal of mine won't be honest.
*sigh* so, I'm trying new things, and learning from the experiences.
Aint life grand?!! =)

I sit in awe

Last night I found myself actually wanting to write. I was so excited about the days events that I just had to get it on paper. So, that's what I did...grabbed a few sheets of pink paper and sat in bed and wrote.

Here's what came out....

Follow-up to prayer
(May 10th, 2005 -early hours of the new day)

Not so long ago I prayed that I could be used to bless people.
I prayed that I may be used in a way that glorifies only God and not myself
I asked Jesus to use me in any way He could... but only if I had a humble heart.

I don't want to be a boastful, big-headed servant of Christ. I don't want to be proud of myself and the deeds I'm doing. [after all, it's not really me doing it at all]
What I truly want is for Christ to be given all the praise and the glory - for it is only He who deserves it, not I.

We don't thank a boat for getting us safely across the water, we thank the captain. In this same way, may Christ be given the thanks when He allows me to simply be one of His vessels.

So... the prayer was said. All I thought was left to do was to wait until Jesus answered my call.
Never did I think He'd respond so quickly!!

In the short time since I prayed this to my Lord, He has given me so many opportunities to be His hands...
Some tasks are smaller, more easily accomplished, others are much bigger and really scare the heck out of me.

Right now I sit here in my bed thinking "But Lord, how can I do this? I don't have the resources - it's too big for me....is there no-one else who can do it instead, Lord?"
But if I let my mind be still for a moment I can hear Jesus say to me "Belinda, it's not you who will do it anyway. It's me...you just have to let me. Just let me do what is needed, let me do it through you."

Who am I to deny Jesus of doing His work in His children?

While I'm feeling quite overwhelmed with what seems like a huge responsibility...a huge task I've taken on and committed to, the excitement and joy* I find in allowing myself to lie at the feet of Jesus is far more powerful than the fear of "but what if..."

I know that Jesus can do anything. Anything at all. I believe that absolutely!!
The question is, will I let Him do 'His thing' through me?

I can say now, with a peace in my heart and the enthusiasm of a child at craft time, "Yes Lord...I surely will!!"

All I need to do now is trust... that our Almighty God will do His work. Pray... that I will be close enough to Jesus to know when he is calling, and be faithful and obedient... not just hear what Jesus speaks to me, but actually obey what He asks of me - no matter what.


So, here we go big dude...
let's start changing the world - one brother at a time!

my God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do!! =D
~~~~~~
* joy...Jesus first Others second Yourself last