what nearly slipped away.....

Just recently I've been doing some thinking over a particular friendship I came so close to losing. It's still a little hard to comprehend how I was so willing to just walk away from a relationship with this person. It's hard to fathom what life would be like without her by my side.
It still hurts to think that after many years of building the friendship to where it was, with just a bit of tension between us, [brought about from my own insecurities, which I "dealt with" by lashing out at the one closest to me], I was more than ready to just turn and walk away and not bother to look back.
That option seemed to be easier than actually admitting my wrong-doings and my resposibilty for letting us get that way.
It was easier to just let go and forget about it, rather than having to deal with all the crap and work through all the bitterness.
Just recently I was reading her blog about this matter...she too was at the point where it was easier to just turn and walk away, and not have to get hit with blow after blow from me. It hurts to think that, even though I knew my words and actions were hurting her, I had become so cold and bittter that I just didn't care anymore. I guess I saw it as, if I'm hurting then why should she be happy. She's supposed to be my friend, she shouldn't be happy when I'm clearly not. I know this 'rationale' is absolute crap, but that's just how my mind was working at the time.
I once heard a person say "hurting people hurt people"... and although that doesn't give anyone the right to go ahead and make others lives difficult, it does make sense.

To the person involved in this, it may seem strange that I'm bringing this up after we have reconciled, but I guess I just haven't felt a peace about it. I know I'm forgiven by you, but I still feel so terrible for hurting you so deeply. It feels like we haven't really worked through the pain that was caused...it feels like it was just swept under the rug and grins were plastered on our faces. To you it may seem quite different, I don't know. I guess I'm just writing this out of a need to find closure. When I recently read your earlier blogs on this matter, I began crying because it finally hit me...the reality was starting to sink in. And let me tell you, it's not a pleasant feeling to know that you've really hurt someone. Even worse when it's someone you love so dearly.
To think that what we had was so close to being lost still brings me pain. It's almost like I'm grieving over a death...a death that didn't even come to pass. The death of our relationship.

And, while I don't doubt that we will grow through this and be stronger, closer and more aware of each other than ever before, I just wanted to apologise with all that is within me, for making you cop all the crap that was going on in my life at the time. It shouldn't have been you that was blamed for my insecurities and what not. I know I can never take it all back, but believe me I would if it were possible.

To my closest friend, confident, mosh partner, late night d'n'm buddy, movie mate, dinner date, wrestling opponent, prayer warrior,
and sister.... always know that I love you.
I won't ever have the words within me to let you know just how much you mean to me. Nothing I could ever do will ever be enough to show how much I care. I can never re-pay you for your patience, your prayers and your love....but all the same I want to tell you this -

It wasn't because of you that my eyes stopped sparkling. It wasn't your fault that my smile faded. You weren't the one that tormented my soul with the lies and terrorised my mind. You couldn't stop me from falling, yet you offered your wings and held out your hand. You opened your heart to mine and allowed the hurt to overflow into you. You said you love me more than I'll ever know and you were true to your word. I want to always slide along the rainbows with you and dance among the stars. I want to always be thankful for your faithfulness, your patience, your friendship and your love.

You gave me that poem a long time ago Jess and it's only now that I realise how much it means and I give it back to you...the wording is a little different, because it's returning back to the author...I hope it means as much to you as it did to me when I received it.