turquoise walls and a steel bowl...

That's soon to be my new stress relief remedy.

Paint my dreary black walls a brilliant shade of turquoise and buy a steel bowl so I can burn my troubles away. The theory is that if I'm not living in a boring, dull, depressive room I may be able to cope with my troubles a little better if I have a more "me" setting to retreat to. So, I'm in the preparation stages of revamping my room into an expression of who I am at this point in my life. (The big picture I'm heading towards is a Morrocan/Bohemian palace...brilliant colours, sparkles, beading, mosquito net over bed, incense, candles, relaxed atmosphere.) SO me! =)

The steel bowl is to act as a mini fire place kinda thing so I can write down everything that's worrying me, everyone that's messing with my head, anything that's a toxin in my life and burn it into oblivion - a way of finalising the thought process of over-analysing everything until it becomes so far off from it's original context. Suggested by a friend from TAFE as a stress management thing, I'm willing to give anything a try at this point.

I consider myself a pretty easy going person, laid-back, whatever happens happens kinda thing, but recently I've been noticing just how much stuff gets to me and how much I dwell on seemingly trivial matters. I'm becoming more and more stressed, upset, anxious....all the crappy stuff in life that I don't want to be. So I'm willing to make changes and try to have a healthier mind set. I have no doubt it won't be an easy thing - to learn to let go, stop over-thinking crap that gets said to me, hurtful stuff in my life, but I know it's bringing me down and I really need to deal with it before it really takes hold and screws me for good.

Outwardly I don't show many signs of being under stress, infact many people see me as a friendly, laid back person aswell, but it's all the internalised stress that's really tearing me apart. I can't seem to switch off from thinking about crap, no matter how much I want to let go of it. Sometimes I just repeat stuf in my head over and over and over and it begins to make no sense anymore. I get frustrated that stuff that is said to me in a fleeting moment can stay with me for weeks, whilst this other person is oblivious to how detrimental words can be. Most of the time it's my over-thinking though and my (here comes the light bulb moment...I've finally come to terms with it) lack of self-worth that creates all the unneccesary doubt and confusion.

I guess over the years I've gone from a little girl with huge issues and no self worth to a young woman finding herself finally blosoming into this new person who is often the centre of attention, the funny person at TAFE and work, the one most people enjoy a chat and a laugh with, the one who hugs her mates so tight, the one who seems to have all this confidence but isn't obnoxiously arrogant about it...and it doesn't make sense to me. I guess I have a feeling that I'm just being toyed with...I'm just getting a taste of this self-acceptance and self confidence, my own identity, a comfortable, enjoyable place to be in life and I just keep waiting for someone to take it all away. I'm waiting for the bully from school to mock me, ask me if I really thought I deserved this. Question whether I really believe these people like me just the way I am. I'm waiting for them to rip it all out from under me and stand and laugh while I'm left crying, humiliated, torn apart once again.

Why can't I understand that I'm a changed person and I'm not that little girl anymore? Why do I fear the untold, the unsure? Why can't I enjoy the place where I'm at in my life now without the fear of having it all taken away? Who's to say I'm not worth this and more.

I hate that I'm exposing my vulnerability, my insecurities and fears to my mates that read this and anyone else on the net for that matter, but I guess this could just be my first step in healing.

Yeah, I'm weak. I don't have it all together. I'm not always that bubbly, funny chick some of you see. I'm messed up and I'm sick of it. It's about time I started to get this shit out of my head and start working on it more productively. Suppressing it all this time has done nothing but manifest a small hairball into a huge and hideous beast that now needs to be tamed.

So... out come the brushes and a pot of turquoise paint.

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you're beautiful
you're precious
you're everything you were created to be right now. You're on a journey that is so far from being over, this is only the start. It may not make sense rigt now, but some day it will. Just hold on and believe. You'll see another rainbow, you'll touch another star. Your eyes will see so much beauty. Your heart will know so much love. Your hand will hold that someone, you'll get to where you're meant to be.
All I ask is you just hold on and believe.