the dealio...

So, I should probably tell you what this exciting news is hey.

Well, as it turns out last Friday evening at church my Pastor handed me an application form for a Christian training course that is basically what I'm doing now, but with added bonuses and to be completed in half the time.
How awesome is that hey?!! It's insane.

The thing that blows me away the most is exactly how this all came about. As you'd know from previous entries I haven't been in the best place lately, my commitment to God was slipping, had lost focus on my future, just in a feeling of discontentment, frustration and not knowing what to do. I had been praying for a while that opportunities would come up that I would be able to take, but didn't know what else to do other than continue what I was doing until something better came along.
Just to give you an idea of just how much my prayers have been answered, check this out...

#I wanted to finish my studies, but wasn't happy where I was - this course is the same as what I'm doing now but it gets completed in half the time.
#I wanted to learn more about God, possibly do a few theology subjects by distance ed, but wasn't sure how I'd fit it all in with my current studies - this course has theology as part of the curriculum.
#I wanted to travel and do missionary work, but wasn't sure how long until I could learn enough and be able to travel to do it, and who to travel with, what organisation etc and the cost of it. - this course has an 8 week missionary assignment as part of it and the total fee for the course includes the cost of the trip, excluding set up costs (passport, injections, etc)
#I want to move out this year, but don't know how I can on my current wage and how I'd manage my studies, church life and personal life with the added pressure of being totally self reliant - this course would see me move to Townsville for 6 months on campus with fellow students, again total fee for course includes all living costs for the durationof the course, I'd just need my own money for luxuries and personal interests, and the course is accredited by Youth Allowance so I may just be eligible for a payment to help out with that while I'm away.
#I've been wanting to live a more adventurous life more so than ever - this course would be a massive adventure to me because I'd move to a place I've never been, a place where I know no one and would have to fully branch out and stretch myself waaaay beyond the comfort zone, I'd also go to a country I know very little about.... gosh, it's SO exciting!!

It's all so amazing and just shows me that God truly does know our desires and has an incredible plan for us all, way beyond what we could ever fathom.

So yes, that's my news. That's what has got me grinning from ear to ear for the past week. Now I have to knuckle down and find out all the particulars and actually apply. =D So, anyone whoreads this who believes in the powerof prayer, it'd be awesome if you could keepme in yours. Thanks heaps

Stay tuned for updates and the like....hehe, how cool will it be if one day I'll be blogging interstate, or overseas!! =D

Bee xx

so. frickin. annoyed

arhhhh.

stupid friggin phone alarm that decides not to go off this morning!! Grrr.

There I was last night finally in a pretty good place with God after a fairly rough trot for a while. I was feeling rather stupid for ever being 'annoyed' at God, or angry as it were and was ready to go back to church and actually hear a message, not just sit in the pew yawning and waiting for chat time with my buddies.
So, as I was climbing into bed at around 3am I took my phone in my hand and carefully set it to a reasonable time that would allow me to have about 5min of whinging "I don't want to get up. I'm warm and comfy, I'm not moving" then realise, ooer it's Sunday...I'm UP!! , enough time for a shower and 15 minutes to drive out to my church. Everything was set to go. So, as you do, I went to sleep.

Considering I finished work at 11:30 and didn't get home til a bit after 12 I knew I'd be struggling to get out of bed in the morning, but trusted that the annoying sound on my phone would be enough to convince me to get out and turn it off, I wasn't going to have too much trouble in the morning.
I ended up waking up at 4:41am anyway. Well, I think I did. Unless it was a dream. Thing is, it seemed sooo real, but when I woke up later, I couldn't remember actually getting out of bed and doing the things I thought I did earlier in the morning. So perhaps it was just a dream.

Either way, 11:30am rolls around and I allow my eyes to open after about an hour of stirring, tossing and turning and the like. I figure, sweet, I've beat the alarm, no annoying sound for me, I'll just reach over and turn it off...

Until of course I see the time on my phone and let out a rather unpleasant phrase to start the morning off.

So annoyed I missed church this morning. I was so keen to go. Actually wanted to be there. And I had stuff I needed to talk about with some church family. Some good ol wisdom I needed to hear. Stuff I need prayer for. Grr, hate it when that happens. Hopefully I'll make it to a night service at a friends church tonight. It's like my home church when my home church isn't on. So, every couple of weeks I go to the OIC in the next suburb over from my home turf. It's a good place. Love it there. I actually considered making it my home church til I was reminded of our potential and our need in the community as well. Hmm. Good times.

Well, I guess until I can have a chat with someone I need to keep thinking through the stuff in my head. Big opportunity lies in waiting for me at the moment, not entirely sure what to do with it. I know what I WANT to do, but not sure if it's practical, or do-able (if that's even a word). Possible. that's what I mean by that.
So yeah, thinking, thinking, thinking. It's all rather exciting and just a little daunting all at the same time.

Oh, I'll post about my reasons for such thinking to be happening shortly. Will be good to let you know what's going on in my life. Very exciting too.

Well, stay lovely and I'll catch you all soon,
Bel xx

My head ached from the thoughts begging to be pondered. Needing to be explored. Wanting to be resolved.
My heart feeling heavy as ever, sinking deeper, getting closer and closer to the scum on the sidewalk.
How long now, till it falls right out of me and gets kicked around again.
Confusion. Frustration. Utter annoyance.
At myself mostly.

So sick of not knowing what to do. Sick of losing motivation every time something a little more exciting/adventurous comes along. Why lose sight of my future for a fleeting moment of satisfaction.

Can't focus on anything lately. So messed up inside. Feels like my mind has been scrambled and is just waiting to be eaten up by some frickin big ass ugly monster.
Arghh.

WTF!! I swear. So over these stupid stumbling blocks in my life. It shits me. I'd rather take the easy option and just walk around it. Not have to deal with it. But I know that's not the healthy option. I have to take the time to really think through what I'm doing and not doing, even. Get my head sorted so I can function relatively normally.

There's so many things on my mind lately though. I feel overwhelmed some what. Where do I start? What should take priority? What isn't even important enought to even think about at all?

Arghhh. blah blah blah.....

*************
So so thankful for music. I've been singing away my frustrations for a few hours now. Sooo awesome! Lovin it.
And thank god for my bro's selection of music right here on his pc.

with gratitude...

Feeling very very thankful right now.

Thankful for God's protection and comfort in troubling times.

Thankful for friendships that continue to grow and strengthen despite little interaction at times.
(Thanks Hayz for being so awesome. You're so beautiful girl. You and your whole family =D It's amazing to think that despite not seeing you in ages we can still pick up where we left off and have each other in stitches again and again. So needed that girly - thankyou. Tell your mum thankyou, and I'll be back to my normal, crazy self next time =P Love ya Haylz!! So gonna spend more time with you again. I miss that)
(thanks also to Jess. *sigh* you're a star Jessie. That one right there *points to brightest star in sky - despite it being daylight as I write this* hehe
But really, thankyou for always being there to listen to my blabbering and not judge, but just say "I'm praying for you". It means so so much. I promise to go crazy with you next time we're in the same room, or town even! haha. Miss you like crazy girly. Love you more every day. Let's jump on a plane again some time soon!!)

Thankful for God's guidance and continual inspiration. Having so much fun with this youth stuff. Wouldn't be able to do it without the divine intervention of my big Sky Daddy! He's a bit of a champion! ;-)

Thankful for music. Seriously, as crap as I feel sometimes, I bung on a cd and just sing away my troubles. It's great.

Thankful for today and all it's potential...

or not

So frustrating how much my attitude can change within a day.

Am I mentally unstable? Am I some kind of moody freak?

Who knows? What I do know is it really frustrates me how I can be totally content with being single one day and the next be so wanting a relationship! Who does that?! It's weird. It makes me feel unstable and stupid.

I'm not some desperate woman who'll take the first opportunity that knocks, but I'm not overly-picky either as some may suggest. How can one be "too picky" when there are no offers to choose from?!
haha
Seriously.

And while I don't believe I need a guy to "complete" me, I know that I'm not being my full self, or realising my full potential, and can't until I am in a relationship. I'm a very physically affectionate person - I like touch. But I just can't go around cuddling any Tom, Dick and Harry now can I?! I know that I'll be more able to express my affection through touch when I do enter a relationship, but I'm frustrated as to what to do with that affection/desire until such time.
It seems too strange to ask friends if I can give them a massage, or cuddle them, hold their hand, play with their hair...you know?!
Sure, I have that understanding with one of my buddies (love ya Jessie =D ) but it's not an everyday occurrence. Oh crap - reminds me Jess....I still owe you that massage dude!! Dammit. I was meant to do it at Melbs. Sorry bud

But yeah, still in the two minds about potential relationships/what to do/what not to do.
Cheers burkie for walking me through some of it. Much needed advice buddy. Thankyou.

So much brain food to mull over now...interestingness.

Well, here's to a discontented today and a who-knows-what tomorrow,

Bel xx

this content heart...

A lot has changed since my last entry. I'm so much more content right now. Been shown a few more things by God and just have a spirit of peace about a lot more than just a few days ago. There are still things on my mind that I would like to know the answers to, but for the most part I am very content with where I am right now. This doesn't mean I won't chase after my dreams any less, quite the contrary actually. Realising where I'm at right now has further fueled my desires and encouraged me to chase after God with an even hungrier heart and more open eyes! But my willingness to trust Him is still being challenged. It's getting better, but still being challenged, which is always good.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that this year will be my last year of study - atleast for now. I'm thinking I'll get a few years experience under my belt before I tackle further study. Little confusion as to what study I will actually persue in the future, but many paths to choose from which is exciting. And a little overwhelming at the same time.
Possibilities include the Diploma of Community Services (broad knowledge base), Dip. Youth Welfare (obviously -youth focused), or Teaching. Not entirely sure what I will do, but it'll be a few years down the track anyway, so it's all good.

I'm trying to keep a bigger picture perspective on things whilst staying focused on my current situation. Not an easy task to master. My future plans definately include family life, so I'm thinking a teaching career would be great - 3months of holidays with the kids every year, plus a few weeks. But then there's my now - wanting to work with teenagers and children and serve my church (which is currently all tying together quite nicely). Good times.
Still contemplating the possibility (and huge desire) of working within an orphanage. Seems I may have contacts with an Australian missionary couple currently working in Thailand - had a very brief (but incredibly inspiring) conversation with Vikki Rees about the Thai orphanages and their work. Not entirely convinced that's where I'm being led, but it was tremendously moving to see footage of the little Thai boys with their huge grins and most adorable eyes. And the little Thai girls are just gorgeous! *sigh* Yeah, kiddies are my soft spot!

I so easily get lost in my ponderings of "I wonder what 5 years from now will see me doing..."
Will I be working in a Youth Refuge? Will I be overseas as a missionary in an orphanage? Will I be a teacher? Will I be a wife or a mum? I don't know the answers yet, but I know that my God has amazing plans for me beyond what I could ever fathom on my own, and that is what keeps me going through the boring, humdrum day to day existance I sometimes fall into.

As for my current status - I'm loving where I'm at right now. Back into church life, and lovin it SO much!! Thursdays we have Senior Girls Bible Study, followed by worship and prayer time with just us leaders (so beautiful to spend time just singing to our wonderful God), Fridays are a goody bag of all sorts (Friday night games once a month, Bible Study another week, and full church services twice a month I think is the current plan), Sundays are our morning service and one (or two - can't remember) nights a month we have Youth church aswell. It's awesome!! Couldn't think of anything better to do than spend time with the kids, teaching them about God, learning more myself, and growing relationships with my mates and family!

On a more personal level, I still have the desire to share my life more intimately with another, but for now that's not happening, and for the first time in a while, I'm okay with that.
My mind and spirit need to be focused on the task at hand and a relationship would more than likely distract me from that and complicate matters further! So, I'll be learning the art of patience for a little while longer I believe.

As for moving out - I seriously hope it's this year!! I could do so much more if I had my own place. In some respects anyway. In other ways I'd be more restricted, but priority wise, I'd be better off out of home. So, that's another exciting possibility to think about/work towards.

Anyhoo, I'm all done. Got that all out =) and it has made me realise how very fortunate I am right now!

Hope your life is buzzin with the love of God,
Bella xx