So I find myself back at my brother's place and inturn able to write in my bloggy journal again.
I don't realise just how much I miss this place until I'm able to visit it once again. I enjoy documenting my journey so as to allow myself to reflect on where I've been during the times when I'm not sure where I'm heading or what I'm meant to be doing.
Some days I read over my entries and that little flame inside me is rekindled.
Sometimes I feel distant to the person who has shared her thoughts through this journal, but am able to feel that urge to jump back inside myself and figure things out. Get back in touch with myself and allow some time to just sit and think.

Think about life. What I'm going to do with it. When I'm going to start really living it instead of dreaming my way through it in a fantasy-induced coma. There are so many things I want to do. So many things I want to change, but I'm just so bloody lazy and impatient. I have these big dreams, but I'm doing very little to actually see them into fruition.
I'm not even sure what to do next. Where to start. Who to talk to. Imediately my head tells me "God. Talk to God" but I'm even distant from Him these days. Not even intentionally. It just happened over time. I stopped talking to Him as often as I used to, or more correctly as often as I knew I should.
How many times does one have to start over again? Does it ever become a constant? Does one ever get to a point in the relationship between themselves and God that it doesn't seem an effort to pray? It doesn't seem an effort to call upon Him, ask for His guidance? Does it ever become easy to hear His voice and know it is Him? Do you ever stop questioning, or is this life just a circle that we endure?

I know I have experienced pure peace and immense beauty in the presence of God, but is that able to happen every day or am I only allowed to experience that on particular days, when God chooses? I think in my heart I really know the answer, but again, I've grown distant from even myself that I don't know at this point.

Could all this possibly be related to my current desire to have closer relationships? Could my yearning to unearth true communion with others stem from not knowing myself completely?

And where do you start anyway, when you want to have an intimate relationship with those who you know only on a shallow level? Those people within church who you address politely as they walk out of the congregation before the first cups of tea have been made. But even more so, the people you share life with...your small group, your friends, your family - where does intimacy come into play. When is it appropriate or not to seek a depth of relationship that dares to reach beyond the mediocre, the polite, the awkwardness. And does anyone else want this or am I seeking what is not there, what is not meant to be.

I ask these questions not neccasarily for answers, but out of frustration, out of thinking, trying to bring sense to what has plagued me for however long. I find my therapy in venting, letting it drift for a while, then re-visitng when my head has rested some. Only then can I find peace enough to really think things through rationally.

Until my head is clearer, I'll go. Besides, there's too much beauty outside for me to waste any longer here infront of a humming box ranting about life, instead of living it.

Make today count for something...it's the only chance you'll have.

Bella xx