Where are all the guys...?

Something that's been in my thoughts lately is my current lack of any decent friendships with the male species and my subsequent desire to strengthen such friendships and even begin new ones.
The few guy friends that I do have live a far distance away and the relationships aren't where I'd like them to be, which is as much my fault as it is thiers. (man, that sounds so bad...what I mean is, I need to do more to build on the relationships, but it also needs to be a two-way thing or it doesn't work) I know I don't invest enough of myself and my time into having deep, enriching relations with them. I mean, both of these guys are awesome people in their own ways and I love them to bits, but there's just something missing.
Perhaps it's just the distance thing. Not seeing them all the time which explains that missing element. I dunno. Either way, I'd like stronger relationships in both cases, but more so I'd like to have mates from here as well. Guys who I can hang out with whenever, do spur of the moment stuff with, you know.

I'd like to go motorbike riding in a forest. Or quad biking on a farm. Ohhh...ohh...even better, do burnouts in a paddy basher!! That'd be madness! Haha, man - I'm SO doing that one day.
I'd like to sit and have an intense conversation with a mate, pick his brains, learn more, understand guys a little better. There's something about guys that just says 'adventurous and daring'. I'd like to feed off of that. When I'm around my older brother I sometimes have moments of empowerment, like I can see his strength and his courage and daring ways and I feel like I can do that too.
To some extent.
I still haven't jumped off the bridge...
But the motorbikes are a go-er.
Oh, and skydiving. I want to do that too. I want to scare the sh!t out of myself by confronting something like that head on and not backing out, no matter how much I'd want to.
I want to be more adventurous. I want to live a max life. Crazy, challenging, adventurous.

I'm not saying I can't do that with my girls, cause I can. Fully. My girly mates are radness! So crazy, so lovely. So treasured.
But guys just seem to have a more simple approach to life. They don't seem to sweat over the small stuff that girls will talk about for days/weeks even. They fully do compliment us nutty women, really. Balances out quite nicely.

So this year I'm hoping to strengthen the relationships that are already existing in my life and nurture new ones into being.

You guys rock.

Now...who wants to wrestle? No? Got a quad bike then? =P

Bella xx

blown away...

You know those moments where you are just so completely blown away by what has happened that you're left speechless and in awe?
Well, I recently had one of those moments.

You see, on Saturday my boss advised me of the new roster. First thing that surprised me. I've been rostered on to 4 days a week instead of my usual "we'll call you when we need you" shifts. Quite a pleasant surprise might I add. And we discussed the days I'm not available, due to TAFE and church comittments and she worked around that. That was great.

The thing that really blew me away though was what happened after I asked if I could change my shifts after I had agreed to them and been told I couldn't change them.
Not realising that I'd be at Youth Church every Friday night, I agreed to work a Friday double, which would mean I couldn't do any of the Youth stuff at church this year. I went in to see my boss the following morning after church finished and explained the situation. I was so worried that everything would fall apart, she'd be annoyed as all hell and pretty much say "too bad" or I'd refuse to do the shift and be fired. Anyway, I prayed so much on the way in that it would all be sorted out and I knew that God could do anything, but I still had that niggling feeling of "oh crap, what's going to happen...?"
So, I explained how I had made the mistake of agreeing to work a shift that I wouldn't be available for and asked if I could possibly have that day off which would allow me to do youth stuff for church.
Her response: "No worries at all Bee, I'll sort it all out. I can replace the shift for another day if you like so you don't lose any pay..." and just like that it was all sorted.
For anyone who knows my boss and how she's been lately, that was so out of character that it just blew me away.

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So, that's just one more way God reminds me that He is in control and everything is okay. By having that little problem sorted out so easily and peacefully, God is ensuring me that I am right where I'm supposed to be and I am meant to be a part of my church's Youth Ministry team.
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Thankyou Father for all You continue to do in my life and those around me. I pray that this year will see more people drawn to You than ever before. May they experience Your love, peace and power . Amen

I miss falling asleep while looking up at the twinkling sky. I miss waking up with a bunch of beautiful girls eating brekky in a cramped cabin. I miss my quiet time in the grass. I miss the laughter. I miss the soft smiles of the princesses. I miss dipping my feet in the cool water of the creek. I miss meal times filled with odd conversations, tonnes of laughs and many 'had to be there' moments. I miss my girls. I miss those eyes.

I hate the lonely feeling that comes after something as wonderful as the weekend I have just had.

I just want a hug from someone who actually cares. Just a little glimpse of that wonder and beauty. I swear I'm trying to be patient, but it sucks.

I miss what I've never had. Is that possible? Is that okay?

Hmmf, tonight I have to actually try to see that my life is perfectly orchestrated, and only yesterday it was so easy to see that.

I just want to go to sleep with my bear in my arms.
(Jess - I need my bear back. I didn't bring him home from your place again)

Goodnight lonely heart. Be patient. Be still. And know that He is in control, He know's what to reveal next. Be content to even have that knowledge. Be comforted with the arms of the most loving One. Sleep peacefully.

Perfectly Orchestrated

As I lay quietly amongst the wildflowers and long wispy grass I realised just how perfectly orchestrated my life is right now.

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This past weekend saw me and a bunch of girls from my church and young leaders group head out to a friends property for a special "Girl's Retreat" weekend. How lovely it was.
From the moment we arrived we were made feel so incredibly welcome. I seriously felt like I was visiting family, despite having only known a few members of this family for a short time. I met Erin mid last year through the young leaders group/Bible Study and inturn, her Mum Pam. Both of these women shine Christ so brightly that I feel incredibly blessed just to be in their presence. To talk to them is a wonderful occassion I share far too seldom, but am grateful for even being able to.
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So anyway, we were there at Erin's parents place to get to know each other better, encourage each other in our walks, learn more and particularly for the younger girls, encourage them to be more active in our respective churches. These girls are so gifted individually and as a body we can do great things with Christ as our leader and guide. It's exciting to ponder the possibilities that arose as a result of this weekend.

One thing I have really taken away from it is the importance to pray for fellow believers and encourage them in their walks. Erin's two older brothers are both Christians but aren't currently attending a church regularly. That said though, one of them is heavily considering joining the music team at the church I call home, which would be a huge gift to us, and I believe would really strengthen his relationship with Jesus to be able to use his gifting and be in church regularly, hearing God's Word and being in the company of a body of believers.
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One moment that happened over this same weekend that I will always regard as sacred was being able to share Communion with all the girls, the lovely family who so graciously opened their home to us, but even more so, to be sharing Communion with these two brothers. I pray so much that they were as blessed as I was at that time and I look forward to forming close friendships with them both. I believe God has brought this family into my life for reasons I cannot comprehend right now, but it's something big. That I am quite sure of.

One of the brothers I remember from my first year of High School. Although we never really knew each other then, it's nice to be able to form a friendship now. Ben was always smiling at school...always seemed happy. It was great to see that he still has that today. Crazy thing though, to actually 'meet' this person through his sister when I 'knew' him all along, just never realised they were siblings! =P

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So...back to lying in the grass. As part of the growth aspect over our weekend we were asked to take part in a "reflection time" following Communion which required us to each find a quiet place to sit and think, listen to what God had to tell us, reflect on the message of the weekend and all it entailed. I found a cozy little patch of grass in the big expanse of paddock and found myself completely immersed in my surroundings.
I sat and gazed at the sun beginning it's afternoon descent behind the hills and thought about the mightiness of God. His awesome power and the wonder I have of Him. I lay my head on the soft, lush grass now a vibrant green from the recent rains and felt completely at rest in where I was and not anxious as to where as I was going, but just content. So so content. The soft swaying of the grass and wildflowers reminded me of God's gentle spirit and absolute loving heart. The beauty I saw in nature captured my own heart and left me in absolute awe of my God. It occurred to me that God placed each blade of grass on that very hill for a reason. They were never intended to grow anywhere else. Even the ants that danced along the long, delicate stems of the wildflowers served as a reminder to me of God's perfect orchestration of events.
I felt completely convinced that where I am right now is exactly where God intends for me to be. This very place and this very task was only ever intended to be entrusted to me. And that is incredibly humbling. I love that I'm not meant to do it on my own either...I'm just asked to simply be a tool. To be used by God in whatever way He sees fit.
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I'm so so thankful that God answered my prayer for closer relationships too. This weekend has been an incredible time of bonding with us girls and for that I am so grateful. They're more fun, more crazy, more gorgeous than I had ever realised. I can't wait to share more beautiful moments with them all.


And may God truly bless you this week as You seek His answers and follow His lead.

Love,
Bella xx

So I find myself back at my brother's place and inturn able to write in my bloggy journal again.
I don't realise just how much I miss this place until I'm able to visit it once again. I enjoy documenting my journey so as to allow myself to reflect on where I've been during the times when I'm not sure where I'm heading or what I'm meant to be doing.
Some days I read over my entries and that little flame inside me is rekindled.
Sometimes I feel distant to the person who has shared her thoughts through this journal, but am able to feel that urge to jump back inside myself and figure things out. Get back in touch with myself and allow some time to just sit and think.

Think about life. What I'm going to do with it. When I'm going to start really living it instead of dreaming my way through it in a fantasy-induced coma. There are so many things I want to do. So many things I want to change, but I'm just so bloody lazy and impatient. I have these big dreams, but I'm doing very little to actually see them into fruition.
I'm not even sure what to do next. Where to start. Who to talk to. Imediately my head tells me "God. Talk to God" but I'm even distant from Him these days. Not even intentionally. It just happened over time. I stopped talking to Him as often as I used to, or more correctly as often as I knew I should.
How many times does one have to start over again? Does it ever become a constant? Does one ever get to a point in the relationship between themselves and God that it doesn't seem an effort to pray? It doesn't seem an effort to call upon Him, ask for His guidance? Does it ever become easy to hear His voice and know it is Him? Do you ever stop questioning, or is this life just a circle that we endure?

I know I have experienced pure peace and immense beauty in the presence of God, but is that able to happen every day or am I only allowed to experience that on particular days, when God chooses? I think in my heart I really know the answer, but again, I've grown distant from even myself that I don't know at this point.

Could all this possibly be related to my current desire to have closer relationships? Could my yearning to unearth true communion with others stem from not knowing myself completely?

And where do you start anyway, when you want to have an intimate relationship with those who you know only on a shallow level? Those people within church who you address politely as they walk out of the congregation before the first cups of tea have been made. But even more so, the people you share life with...your small group, your friends, your family - where does intimacy come into play. When is it appropriate or not to seek a depth of relationship that dares to reach beyond the mediocre, the polite, the awkwardness. And does anyone else want this or am I seeking what is not there, what is not meant to be.

I ask these questions not neccasarily for answers, but out of frustration, out of thinking, trying to bring sense to what has plagued me for however long. I find my therapy in venting, letting it drift for a while, then re-visitng when my head has rested some. Only then can I find peace enough to really think things through rationally.

Until my head is clearer, I'll go. Besides, there's too much beauty outside for me to waste any longer here infront of a humming box ranting about life, instead of living it.

Make today count for something...it's the only chance you'll have.

Bella xx

geesh, she's a bit stale

I didn't realise it's been this long since I last wrote.
I miss my internet =( but it should be back soon. Should be. Hope it is.

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Anyhoo, where do I start. A bit of stuff has happened within the 4 or so weeks since I last visited my little journal. Been learning a few things. Some I'm not so keen on. Others are great.
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One of the best things that happened last year was the Christmas function at church. It was lovely to spend such a special occassion with the company of a mass of 'strangers'. Hmm, don't like that word. I didn't know the people I shared lunch with, but they became friends within those few hours, so I wouldn't consider them strangers. (Oh...reminds me...Jess make sure we go to a shop in Melb that sells the "world without strangers" wrist bands. Burks...remind me where that is:P)
So yeah, Chrissy lunch saw me serving alongside many of my church family to offer a free lunch to those within our community who either didn't have family to share Christmas with or who couldn't afford a special meal, or whatever reason. We opened our doors, and were truly blessed to share our time and our love with those beautiful people within our little town.
We had young families, widows, middle aged singles...everyone.
I ended up sharing a meal with a bunch of wacksters....we were laughing while we were eating. So my kind of people. But I also managed to have a good chat to the woman across from me. Turns out she used to work in a Youth Centre....coincidence? I think not.
We talked about the kids and their issues (on a general perspective) and I got to share my dreams with a new friend and learn a little from her. Merry Christmas or what?!!

The young kids that were there with their families were my fave part of the day though. A local toy shop had generously donated enough toys so each child got at least two each. They were beautifully wrapped and tagged with "boy aged 5" kinda thing and it was so exciting to see the kids screaming out when their age bracket was called out. It was like a crazy auction. So fun.

One of the things I loved most of all though was the look on their little faces at the end of the day when the church members were tidying up. One of the guys was taking down all the balloons and streamers and throwing them away. I couldn't bear the thought of wasting balloons!!! Who does that?!! hehe, so I helped collect them and then proceeded to give them to the kids.
Their little eyes just glowed at the sight of a big bunch of balloons, all for them. It was gorgeous. We even made special "Princess belts" for the little girls with the streamers that had decorated the church. Little girls are so so precious and oh so adorable. They melt me. Seriously.
The little boys wanted special belts too, but weren't so keen on being a Princess to earn one, so we decided they were the awesome "warrior bands" that protected them and made them heroes. It was so cool to see them run back to their parents and say "look Mummy, I'm a warrior" with the biggest grin on their faces.
I can't wait to start my work with kids. It's gonna be rad. I get to play every day and love 'em like my own. Not so sure if the teeangers will be so into "warrior bands" and "Princess belts" though =P

Well, I'm gonna have to head off for now...at my bro's place and he needs the compy, and besides...I'm hot as. Summer sucks. I want to live in England. Or atleast have their weather.

I promise to visit again soon. I've missed reminiscing through rambling.

Have a fully sick day/night, whenever you read this and yeah, go nuts.
Because you can.

Bella xx


[I realise that I was intending to write a summary of my 4 weeks, but only recapped Christmas day....so I will indeed be back soon(ish)]