Shall I cry, or shall I scream? What the frig is going on...

Not sure where to start.

Don't know what I'm feeling. Don't know what I should do.

Just going through one of those periods of change again.

I don't know when it started or why, but I've slipped away from God again.
And I know I should go back...I should drag myself to Christ's feet again and ask once again to be forgiven. I know He will forgive me, I know He wants me back, but I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm going through changes again, my head pounds with confusion, frustration, torment.
I've distanced myself from church and my church family. I don't engage in faith-related conversations with my extended christian family anymore. I don't feel worthy of knowing God. I don't want Christ to be watching over me right now. (not in regards to being protected, but in terms of me being so disappointing to him) It all feels so scummy, so hurtful, uhhh I dunno. SO frustrating.
Right now I feel as if I need to cry, to just let it out. I'm sick of shutting off to people and not dealing with my issues, but at the same time I don't want to open myself up and admit my lack of passion for Christ, despite everything He's done for me.
I know there's people whom I can trust completely to share my struggles with. People whom I respect greatly, admire so much. People whom I love as my family. My mates. My brothers and sisters.
Man, just thinking of those few people in my life makes me realise how incredibly blessed I am to even have that. What I would give to have one of them here right now to hold me and let me know it's okay.

So why then am I doing everything I can to avoid church, avoid discussions about faith, avoid Christ? Why would I do that when I know damn well that I've been saved. I know what Christ did for me. I know that I'm here, writing this only because He let me have another shot at life. I hate that I suck so bad.
If it were someone in my home town, my own family even who saved me, would I be turning away from them? Would I say to their face, "I just don't know what I feel about you right now, I need some time away from you. Yeah, sure..you saved my life and let me have another crack at it, but right now I just don't want to know you." Would I mess up as much as I am now, if it were someone I knew who did all that for me?

~~~~~~~

I'm going through a period of growth. I know that much. But am I going backwards because of it?
I believe that all growth/personal development is good for me. I'll learn more about who I am, what I believe, what I stand for, what I like/dislike, what direction I want to take in life. But is it stupid of me to be doing all this away from God? I have the knowledge, and I once thought I had the heart of Christ, but it seems not. If I had the Holy Spirit living in me, surely I wouldn't be so attracted to explore other belief structures, other ways of life.

I know God gives us the freedom of will, I can choose to do whatever I please with my life. I don't have to be a christian at all. I can be anything. No one can force me to believe anything. No one can tell me what I believe is wrong. Well, they can, but I don't have to believe them. No one can make me understand God and His plans. Sure, many people can help me understand it if I want to, but no one can force it upon me.

Given this freedom of choice is quite daunting to me.
I believe that God IS the creator of the universe. The creator of me.
I believe His son Jesus DID die because of my sins, and for that I'm forgiven.
I believe that when I die I will face my creator and I will be granted an eternal life of which I'll either live in Heaven or Hell. I know damn straight that I want to go to Heaven.

So why then am I messing up this life that He's blessed me with, just because I can. I don't want to be a screw up, I don't want to disappoint the one who created me for a purpose. I know there's something in this world that only I am meant to achieve. He sent me for a reason. He knows what He wants me to do, He knows what I'm capable of, He has a plan for me.
I know all this.
But I just keep turning away from it. And I don't even know why. THAT is what's frustrating me, confusing me, really pissing me off. I hate that I'm so messed up right now that I can't even see how much God is continuing to bless me, even though I keep turning away. Why would He bother, when anyone else would just give up and cast me off. Forget about me.
Why does my dad love me so much that no matter what I do, no matter how much I hurt him, no matter how much I tarnish His name, no matter how scummy I am, no matter how much I disappoint Him, no matter how much I screw up another day, no matter how many times I turn away, He's always standing there with outstretched arms, whispering "come on kiddo...come over here and I'll give you a hug"

I guess I'll never know in this lifetime just why God is like that. I wonder if I'm even meant to. I guess that's not even the issue here. I know it's not God turning away. It's me. He's always going to be there. I just need to let Him back into my life.

But how long will I wait? How much more will I screw up before I drag my sorry ass back to His feet and cry again?

to dread or not to dread...

Thinking of getting dreads.

I've wanted them for ages - way back when I used to say stuff like that but never actually thought I'd do anything about it. I used to say I was gonna get my hair cut short too. I did that months ago. Loved it. Got a trim about a month ago, went even shorter than first time. Then dyed it bright red. Though, it didn't look Ronald McDonald-ish, but actually turned out quite funky. (If I do say so myself!)

My hair is becoming my expressive outlet. I don't do much in the way of being creative anymore. For no articular reason. So my hair is my canvas.
And right now I'm bored with it.
I was ready for another chop, this time to a more extreme....really short, uneven, choppy/shaggy look. But that's been done and it wouldn't be much different to what it is now.

So I'm thinking dreads. I really really want dreads.

But I'm wondering whether I should wait until my hair has grown a litte longer, so the dreads won't sit like spikes, but have a more relaxed look aout them...flowing downward in crazy twists or whatever.

Yeah, I think I should wait. They'll probably look better if I did.

So maybe I'll just paint the canvas again...it needs refreshing, more life and vibrancy. It's getting boring.
Maybe I'll experiment with a completely different look. One that I've wanted to do for AGES...blonde with baby pink highlights!! (Hmm...I think I need to work my way up to that one!)

Peace & Love (haha)
Bella xx

see a secret...share a secret

Every Sunday for the past couple of months now, I have been exposed to the secrets of many peole whom I have never met.
Most likely I will never meet them either.
Yet, in knowing their secret, I feel like I know some part of them. The most vulnerable, intimate part of some of them.

The way I have come to know these secrets of unfamiliar people is through a very fascinating piece of cyber space called 'Post Secret'. As the blog states, "Post Secret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a home-made postcard"

At first it was just a novel way of passing time, but as the weeks have gone on I've come to really appreciate the hard-ass honesty of the people who have contributed to the project. And in that spirit of honesty, I have found myself confronted with some of the secrets that have been shared. I feel like I share some of the burdens that others have, yet so often I feel like the only one in the world who would ever feel that way.

That said however, there have been a few entries on Post Secret that have blown my mind and opened my eyes so much, that some of them still have that shock value, even after many viewings.
That's the beauty in it. I love it. It's definately become one of my favourite things to do on a Sunday evening.

It gets me thinking every week too, as I'm sitting there in the receiving end of someones secret telling, I imagine what secrets I would tell and what my postcard would look like. It changes every week. There's always something different floating around in my head that I sometimes want to share, often don't. But I like that. I like having parts of myself that are unknown. Little mischievious mysteries hidden in my mind. Multitudes of undiscovered 'stuff' about me.
As much as I love sharing my thoughts with my mates, I treasure those parts of me that no-one else knows. My little secrets that haven't been posted =p

I'm thinking that I will post one to the folks in the U.S someday, but for now I'm loving the internal journey I seem to go on every time I enter their world.
It's fascinating.
It's mysterious.
It's enlightening.
It's Post Secret =D

(damn, I should be a marketing executive - that's a rather catchy motto) =p

have a squiz and let me know what you think...

cold showers and countdowns

As the title would suggest, I have just stepped out of a cold shower.
Yes. Cold shower. Yes - it is still winter!

It wasn't cold the whole time though, infact it was quite warm, at one point extremely hot and my body was slowly turning crimson, so I figured it was about time I turned it down a little. The hot water heater must have thought the same because from that point on I slowly started getting cooler. And cooler. And cold. Then it was just refreshingly icy.

Anyway, enough showering anecdotes.

It's now only 4 more sleeps until TAFE re-commences and I can not wait to go back. I've been counting down the days for weeks now. Three weeks actually. (Yes, that does mean I started the countdown as soon as my three week break started =p)

It may sound really nerdy to be thinking about my studies during the break, but I'm just SO pumped about my course that I hate being away from it. I hate the thought of losing momentum when I'm enjoying it so much.
I love soaking up all the knowledge and wisdom of my teachers, my classmates, my friends. Hearing the stories of some of the people I share the class with is so mind expanding - that's where we all do alot of our learning - through sharing our stories.
Being a welfare course, many of the class members have come into the course carrying their own baggage and life experience that they want to turn into a positive and pass on to the next generation the kind of help they received from Welfare Workers in the years gone by.

That said however, I 've had a member of the class tell me that because I'm only 20 I wouldn't know much about all the stuff we talk about in class. I was shocked at what was said, but took it in my stride and quietly pondered her words.
At first it cut me pretty deep. I was hurt that she was so judgemental and naive in thinking that based on my age I wouldn't have life experience. Without knowing much more than my name and age, this person made huge assumptions about the life I have lived thus far. I was annoyed, hurt, angry and frustrated.

But the more I thought about it, the less it bothered me. I figure that if someone wants to make assumptions about me and not show interest in actually discovering who I am and what I'm all about, then I'm not going to let it get me down. It was a quick comment in a fleeting moment that had it's little niggle in my gut. I chewed on those words for quite a while. A number of weeks. But I think I'm learning to take things in my stride a little more.
I think, too often I let people cut me down when they don't intend to. Words that are said in a flash and bear only as much meaning as I let them, stay with me for longer than what they sometimes should. Almost hauntingly.

But, with each day that comes to an end I've grown just a little more than the day before. And with each new sunrise I'm getting closer to that great day. It's just around the corner now I can almost see it.
Tuesday 19th July 2005 at 5:00pm I'll be back in my favourite place once again.
Sitting there with my mates, waiting with anticipation, excitement, enthusiasm. Ready to feed my spongey head again.

And, just quietly, I have a feeling this semester will be much more eventful than the last - both in class and socially =)

my head...my bed

Some of the people who read this journal of mine will know that I've been away from home for a while, house-sitting for my Pastor and his family while they're away on vacation.
It's been interesting.
It's been good.
It's been incredibly boring!

The fact that I'm responsible for their house and pets for three weeks has had me hesitating to do much else than stay there all day and night. That was alright for the first few days. The quiet, still, silent house was so different to the noisy, bustling home I'm used to. So, I enjoyed those first few days immensely.
Now though, nearing the end of the second week being there, is driving me insane.
This morning I awoke feeling like I had been hit by a bus in my sleep. My entire body ached. I could barely speak for my throat was so soar. My head was pounding, my ears ringing.
I was so cold that my body shook as I walked out to the kitchen at 5:30am to refill my hot water bottle. I went back to bed and lay there in agony, not able to get comfortable no matter how I positioned myself. I felt like sh!t.

Finally, at around 11am I had had enough and jumped in my car to come home to my mum. Not that mum could do anything to help, but she had a medicine box containing strong pain relief tablets that I would have killed for.
That 5 minute drive home felt like the longest 5 minutes of my life. I barely made it, I swear. I knew I shoudn't be behind the wheel of a car when I was feeling like that, but I just had to get home to my own bed. That's all I wanted. I knew I'd still feel as cruddy no matter where I was, but if I was going to feel this sick, I atleast wanted the comfort of my own bed to sleep in.
It's now around 6:00pm and I'm just starting to feel slight relief from the pain in my head.
I'm thinking I'll go back to the house just to check the animals and get some stuff, but tonight all I want is my own bed to sleep in.
That's what I've missed the most these last two weeks. My bed. My home.