beginning or end of wisdom...?

So I'm approaching the ripe ol age of 21...the beginning of my "real" adult life, beginning of wisdom, yeah?
Or not.
I'm scheduled to have surgery on December 2nd to have my wisdom taken from me before it even fully blossoms. Well okay, maybe I'm just having teeth taken out, but that doesn't sound as dramatic. Strangely, I'm looking forward to it. So can't wait. Not because I'll be in pain for who knows how long, I'll vomit in the recovery room (happens every time), I'll be tasting blood for a few days and restricted to only consuming soft, mushy stuff for a few days or even because I have to fork out $1200 for the procedure.
But, because I'm finally on my way to having my childhood dream come true!

Believe it or not, I've wanted braces since I was a little girl. And I'm finally in the process of preparing for that to happen. It's fully exciting to think that in a few years I'll actually be able to smile without being embarresed about my teeth. I'll actually be able to laugh as long as I want without fearing that people are gawking. And I know everyone says I have nothing to worry about, my teeth are fine, no-one notices blah blah blah, but when I've lived with it for so long, I know different. And no matter what anyone says it's a deep-down insecurity that I can't wait to be able to get rid of.

So yeah, I'm so pumped about it...can't wait. But I am dreading the $1200 in 12 weeks situation I now find myself in. Oh well, I guess everything has it's cost, self-satisfaction included.

Anyhoo, my feet are cold and I need to catch some Zzz's...

Stay beautiful, be true and love with all you have,

Bella xx

It's a beautiful day...

Well, actually it's not. It's cold and wet.

But for some crazy reason I woke up with a smile on my face =) Some dreams really are sweet. hehe
And there's something about Eva Cassidy singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that just makes me feel peaceful. It's a song I could fall asleep to, no matter what my day has been like and no matter what's running through my head. It's also a beautiful way to start the day.

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On other matters, I so can't wait for this week to be over. I've been filling in at work for a guy who's on holidays and I'm so over it. I'm looking forward to being able to do assessment stuff for TAFE and not worry that I'll be late (again) for work, and it'd be awesome to not smell like food for an entire day!!
Seriously, that's the worst thing about working in a kitchen. I smell like a mixture of everything that's been cooked that shift. Not pleasant! My pay this week will be worth it, I can finally get some Lay-Buy's out...my funky bohemian sandals and my big white sunnies. Good stuff.

OH!! I poured my first beer at work yesterday. Haha...I've been working in the bistro at a pub for close to two years now, had my RSA certificate for 6 months and NOW they let me do bar work! =P Actually, I was only "watching the bar" for my boss while she was in a meeting, the pub was dead. One customer in the entire premises. Until the boss left.... I got absolutely swamped!! (well, okay...two guys isn't exactly swamped I suppose!) Anyway, so I grabbed a stubbie ffrom the fridge for one of the guys, opened it (first moment of slight embarresment - "boy these screw tops are on tight aren't they" =P) then had to pour a schooner of VB for the other dude. Everything went well until I had to top it up slightly, and pulled the tap down just a little bit.

BAD IDEA!!

All that came out was gas, so his nicely poured glass of VB was now a mass of froth and not an ounce of liquid amber to be seen. It was pretty funny though - we all had a laugh at the abundance of bubbles that seemed to be attracted to my shirt, pants...everything!

So now I'm in "training" so I'll be ready to be really swamped at Chrissy/New Years time. Should be good. Much better than restaurant work.
Speaking of work, I should go get ready.

turquoise walls and a steel bowl...

That's soon to be my new stress relief remedy.

Paint my dreary black walls a brilliant shade of turquoise and buy a steel bowl so I can burn my troubles away. The theory is that if I'm not living in a boring, dull, depressive room I may be able to cope with my troubles a little better if I have a more "me" setting to retreat to. So, I'm in the preparation stages of revamping my room into an expression of who I am at this point in my life. (The big picture I'm heading towards is a Morrocan/Bohemian palace...brilliant colours, sparkles, beading, mosquito net over bed, incense, candles, relaxed atmosphere.) SO me! =)

The steel bowl is to act as a mini fire place kinda thing so I can write down everything that's worrying me, everyone that's messing with my head, anything that's a toxin in my life and burn it into oblivion - a way of finalising the thought process of over-analysing everything until it becomes so far off from it's original context. Suggested by a friend from TAFE as a stress management thing, I'm willing to give anything a try at this point.

I consider myself a pretty easy going person, laid-back, whatever happens happens kinda thing, but recently I've been noticing just how much stuff gets to me and how much I dwell on seemingly trivial matters. I'm becoming more and more stressed, upset, anxious....all the crappy stuff in life that I don't want to be. So I'm willing to make changes and try to have a healthier mind set. I have no doubt it won't be an easy thing - to learn to let go, stop over-thinking crap that gets said to me, hurtful stuff in my life, but I know it's bringing me down and I really need to deal with it before it really takes hold and screws me for good.

Outwardly I don't show many signs of being under stress, infact many people see me as a friendly, laid back person aswell, but it's all the internalised stress that's really tearing me apart. I can't seem to switch off from thinking about crap, no matter how much I want to let go of it. Sometimes I just repeat stuf in my head over and over and over and it begins to make no sense anymore. I get frustrated that stuff that is said to me in a fleeting moment can stay with me for weeks, whilst this other person is oblivious to how detrimental words can be. Most of the time it's my over-thinking though and my (here comes the light bulb moment...I've finally come to terms with it) lack of self-worth that creates all the unneccesary doubt and confusion.

I guess over the years I've gone from a little girl with huge issues and no self worth to a young woman finding herself finally blosoming into this new person who is often the centre of attention, the funny person at TAFE and work, the one most people enjoy a chat and a laugh with, the one who hugs her mates so tight, the one who seems to have all this confidence but isn't obnoxiously arrogant about it...and it doesn't make sense to me. I guess I have a feeling that I'm just being toyed with...I'm just getting a taste of this self-acceptance and self confidence, my own identity, a comfortable, enjoyable place to be in life and I just keep waiting for someone to take it all away. I'm waiting for the bully from school to mock me, ask me if I really thought I deserved this. Question whether I really believe these people like me just the way I am. I'm waiting for them to rip it all out from under me and stand and laugh while I'm left crying, humiliated, torn apart once again.

Why can't I understand that I'm a changed person and I'm not that little girl anymore? Why do I fear the untold, the unsure? Why can't I enjoy the place where I'm at in my life now without the fear of having it all taken away? Who's to say I'm not worth this and more.

I hate that I'm exposing my vulnerability, my insecurities and fears to my mates that read this and anyone else on the net for that matter, but I guess this could just be my first step in healing.

Yeah, I'm weak. I don't have it all together. I'm not always that bubbly, funny chick some of you see. I'm messed up and I'm sick of it. It's about time I started to get this shit out of my head and start working on it more productively. Suppressing it all this time has done nothing but manifest a small hairball into a huge and hideous beast that now needs to be tamed.

So... out come the brushes and a pot of turquoise paint.

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you're beautiful
you're precious
you're everything you were created to be right now. You're on a journey that is so far from being over, this is only the start. It may not make sense rigt now, but some day it will. Just hold on and believe. You'll see another rainbow, you'll touch another star. Your eyes will see so much beauty. Your heart will know so much love. Your hand will hold that someone, you'll get to where you're meant to be.
All I ask is you just hold on and believe.