rainy morning blues

I woke up this morning feeling like I never have before.
I awoke to a feeling of sadness.
I felt lonely almost instantly. The second I opened my eyes it was as if I knew something was missing.
I craved a big warm hug or a smile from a loved one. I wanted to share those first few moments of a new day with someone. I just wanted to be held in someone's arms.

Sure, I've felt like this before, but not anywhere near the intensity of how I felt this morning. I could have cried. I almost did. I was close to tears, but nothing would come out. It was a strange and unfamiliar emotion. Emptiness, almost. Incomplete. I don't know what it was.

It was just a very lonely morning.

I lay there in an unfamiliar bed in someone elses home listening to the rain fall outside the drawn curtains. In the darkness of the room I lay there and wondered.

I wondered why I was feeling so lonely. I asked myself what had happened, what was the turning point, the reason for me feeling like that. I wondered whether my thinking of someone in particular the previous night before drifting off to sleep could have caused me to wake up feeling so alone. I questioned whether or not it was wrong of me to be craving that intimacy with someone.
It's not a sexual intimacy I desire though, it's the companionship. Just being able to share little things with someone close. I remember reading somewhere (probably someone elses blog) that "I want to be someone's someone". That's what I'd like too. To wake up and know someone is thinking of me, someone likes who I am, someone wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.
But is wanting this making me feel so empty because I don't have it?

I don't know the answers to the questions. I have a bit of thinking to do. But sometimes I just feel like I can't understand myself, I can't work through my emotions without talking to someone about it all.
Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe I should learn to sort things out on my own. Maybe I'm not as strong as I sometimes believe I am.

Maybe all I need is a cuddle and a good, long cry.

lost in my wonderland...

I've been sitting here thinking again.

Wondering.

Dreaming.

All that jazz that I really enjoy.

I've been wondering what my own place would look like if I were to move out. Well, it's not really a matter of "if" but more like "when". I wonder what my little place in the world will look like. Will it be a house? An apartment? A renovated warehouse as I once dreamt of? Or an old, big red fire station complete with a long slidy pole to get from my room upstairs to the loungeroom below. Haha, I have no idea what it will be, but my ideals have definately changed over time.

I used to want a house with a flying fox weaving throughout it, with a soft landing pad in every room. This same house had to have a huge pool with pet dolphins in the backyard, and a massive bed in my room. That was when I was about 11.

A few years after that I imagined living in a big old warehouse that had been renovated into an open plan share house for me and all my mates. We even made a pact that this would happen one day. We'd all live together, happily ever after. That was in year 7 when I thought I knew everything and anything I thought was an absolute, dead-set plan. It was going to happen.

More recently (about a year or two ago) I thought I'd really like to live in one of those slim, tall terraces in the inner city. This was my dream house. Stylish, with old-world charm on the outside, but with an uber-trendy interior design. I had it all thought out. I knew all the pieces of furniture I'd need to make it look great, and where I'd place bunches of fresh flowers and other pieces of home decor.

My oh my, how times change.

Right now as I sit here and reflect on what I've wanted in the past and what I thought was the absolute dream home, I realise that that's not even important. Not at all.

Whether I end up living in a huge lavish house with all the trimmings, a tiny cottage with a rusty bath tub and leaking roof, a one bedroom apartment with barely enough room for myself, or a treehouse in the wilderness, the one thing I really really desire is to have a home.
Not a house. A home.

A place where I feel at peace. A safe place where I fear no harm. A quiet place to do my thinking, but also a place often filled with the joyous sound of laughter.
This home would often be shared with the company of loved ones, sharing a meal... sharing life. A place that welcomed 'strangers' in as if they'd known it for years. A place that was so filled with love that people would want to visit and enjoy every moment that they were there.

That's what I'd like. Nothing else matters quite as much as that.

And the thought that, that day I finally pack my bags and have a taste of freedom and true independence isn't too far away, brings the biggest grin to my face and the warmest feeling in my heart.

It's pretty amazing what hidden talents you become aware you possess when you're procrastinating.
I've been doing assessments today and I've come to a point of frustration because my computer isn't compatible with the program I did half my work on at the TAFE computers.
Though, I have managed to amuse myself through the boredom by practicing the skill of writing backwards. I'm quite impressed with myself too...I've managed to write pretty complex sentences entirely backwards and be remarkably neat.

The only thing I'm looking forward to about going to TAFE tomorrow is seeing my classmates again. I love how close we're getting...they're not just people I share a class with anymore, alot of them have become my mates.
Right now I'm grinning, just thinking about how we so often laugh together, challenge one another in discussions, compete in Table Tennis battles and share dinner together in the student lounge.
Never did I think I'd meet such a great bunch of people through a TAFE course.

*sigh* there's so much more I could write and I just might some day... now though I'm going to have dinner and I should probably get some more study done.

Til next time...enjoy your journey.

Bella xx