So the other night I was feeling so deep and reflective, really needed to vent. I pondered whether I should blog or not but advised a friend I was "way too emo at the moment". Though Jess assures me my 'fans' want to know all sides of me. hehe.
So...this one's for you girly~
*note: not feeling as emo tonight so it'll be more in the spirit of your "randomness" post.....
So, some stuff you may not know about Bella...
~for starters, Bella is a nickname I made for myself =p kinda got sick of the same old names and wanted something new and different for my msn....how lame. haha. Though, it has caught on in real life aswell (thanks mainly to Jess and Katie...and Cathy and Den when they were here).
~most of the time though I get called Bee (started in year 7....been around since) even my family call me Bee now. When they don't call me Bibby that is. Or Bindy. Or Lindy Lou. Or Suzie. Yep, Suzie. I got that from my Pop coz of my middle name (Sue - blerrgh!!) Though - funny story - I'm named after my Aunty Sue [who is also my Godmother] who actually changed her name from Lorraine to Sue anyway.
~I'm incredibly clucky .....BUT [here's the big surprise] - I don't want to be a mum yet. Really, I don't (Burkie, Jess....you reading this? haha)
~I still play dress ups. When no one else is home. I put on an old formal dress and some heels and do everyday stuff like vaccuming and washing up or whatever, all the while pretending I'm a 'stepford wife' or a princess who's just being nice and doing the maids chores for her. (oh my gosh I can't believe people will know this about me! - candid enough Jess?)
~I realised today that I think I was harbouring deeper feelings than friendship for a certain someone who is soooo unavailable. But it was a beautiful realisation because he's an absolute champion. My best mate, my kindred spirit, my boo. haha. The realisation came after seeing a recent photo of us together....there's something in my eyes that just told me. It was weird looking at it and realising what everyone else has seen before. But it's a different kind of love. He makes me become more of myself when we're around each other. And I know he'd laugh to read this. And get an even bigger ego ;-) but in all seriousness, he teaches me more about myself and my desires, and for that I'm so so thankful. So yeah, I do love him....just not that way. But....if he were available....hahaha
~I think this year has seen me grow up so much in some respects. Meh, I'm still under 5' so obviously I don't mean literally. But I seriously love being short, the older I get the more I realise I like it. Anyhoo, back on track - I've matured due to some circumstances I've been in this year so far. I've become a different person, a better person. I still have a long way to go, I'm still learning, still maturing, still being moulded and crafted and refined.
~I made my own "postsecret" the other night with no real intention of sending it in. It reads "for the first time ever I think I like who I am". Hmm, sounds so emo I know, but it's the honest truth. I like being Bel, I like who I am right now. I can still see improvement is needed but for the most part I like that I'm not who I used to be. And what I really like is that I'm not relying on someone else to tell me I'm likeable. It's a self-worth that is finally happening. haha. kinda exciting for me.
~I need to put lip balm on
~I have a cold at the moment. The coughing, the sneezing, the runny nose. It's awesome. Funny thing is though, I always love singing when I have a cold. I sound so different, it's weird.
~I barely ever brush my hair. Just wash n wear, it's great. Though as it gets longer it needs a little bit more work to get it looking decent
~I was never one to sing into a hairbrush as a child. Impulse deodarant cans make more realistic microphones.
~My grandma has favourites within every set of grandchildren from each family. I'm not one of them. I'm okay with that now
~I'm currently wearing my so so comfy stripey pj's from the supermarket with a fave pair of heels and a new ring....cause I can
~I want to learn Spanish but I don't know if I'll ever have a need for it. haha. I just like the way it sounds
~My watermelon lip balm smells awesome
~I'm getting a tattoo on Thursday at 1pm
~Am contemplating whether or not to also get a piercing on Thursday
~I always wanted a sister and once got really pissed off at my parents for "not giving me one". I now have heaps of em that I'll spend forever with! Woohoo!! Party on girlies
~I want to travel to America some day and experience a real southern church complete with black, soulful choir! Gives me tingles just thinking about it
~I can't wait for the day to introduce someone special to my Uncle Steve. He's awesome. Everyone should have an Uncle Steve. I love that as I've grown older I've realised how special him and his family are to me. They're my parents best friends from waaaay back - when mum first got with dad when she was like 16 or something....blood couldn't make us closer. They're all such cool people. Uncle Steve is my champion though. I know deep down I want to achieve things to impress him and show him who I really am and that I can hack it. I'm not as much of a chicken as he thinks. haha. And I can't wait to put an end to his suspisions of me being homosexual. =P. haha. Not dating at 21 does not make me a dike Steven! lol
~Few things make me happier than when I can sing at the top of my lungs (especially when singing praises to my God =D)
~I've just started getting back into art and am really loving it. I've been too scared to try to create anything for so long because I lacked self confidence and self belief but now I just think, screw it, I want to do it, it doesn't matter what other people think of it.
~I once believed that I'd have twin boys called Cooper and Hudson (named after little labrador puppies I bought at a supermarket for a Guide Dog Association fundraiser)
~I've never been drunk and often don't feel a desire to ever get that way but I once made a pact with a friend that we'd try pot together. Thank goodness we both came to our senses before it ever had a chance to happen
~I'm still not entirely sure what my 'career' will be but I think I know what direction to take. I don't think I'll ever be settled into one thing forever though, I want to try lots of different things, experiment, see what works well, have fun with life and not live within boundaries
~I want a treehouse in my backyard when I'm all grown up and move out. And maybe I'll let my kids into it one day
~I still dream of having a star named after me or someone I know
~my favourite constellation is the southern cross and I look for it everywhere I go. I remember the very first time I ever saw it... in the backyard of my brothers house when he was living with a mate of his. His mate was trying to explain where it was in the sky but I was sooo not seeing it so he stood behind me and tilted my head in exactly the right position to see it properly. I was weirded out by him touching me and just pretended I had to pee or something so I could get away. haha. so lame.
~I spend too long in the shower and often get in trouble. haha, as much as you can at 21 I guess, which basically means I get yelled at but no real consequences.
~I told my mum today that there are two people who I would kill if given the chance. Atleast that's what I feel some days anyway. Though I know all I really want is answers.....and I don't think either of them will ever be able to give them to me. And even if they could, would it even make a difference
~I want to do something special for my cousin.....I feel I owe it to him. He never got a chance to be this age, but I still see him as my older, crazier cousin. My other big brother. I still miss him like I miss no one else.
I don't know what to do though.... what would make Garry proud of his little cousin? I think it'll take the rest of my life to do stuff with him in mind. You know just thinking about him right now makes me want to be the crazy person I know I can be. To live the extreme life, be daring, be the person he'd encourage me to be if he were still here with us. I often wonder what we'd talk about now that we're...well, I'm older. If he were here now, what kind of man would he be? Would he be a dad? Would he still give me "noogies" on the head while I whinged and tried getting away?
I reckon he'd have given me some good advice if he'd been around lately. I would give anything to just sit and talk with him right now.....
and he'd more than likely laugh at me and pay me out for crying when this was intended to be a light hearted "random" post.
Well, you get that with me I'm afraid..... unpredictable tears is just another part of who I am, what my story has been and what it is becoming
til next time,
know you're loved and so so precious
always,
Bib xx
